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• Oct 20, 2011

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.

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• Oct 20, 2011

He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.

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• Oct 20, 2011

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

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• Oct 20, 2011

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

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• Oct 20, 2011

I once prayed to god for a car, but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness

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• Oct 20, 2011

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

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• Oct 20, 2011

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

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• Oct 20, 2011

It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.

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• Oct 20, 2011

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.

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• Oct 20, 2011

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

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• Oct 20, 2011

You never learn anything by doing it right.

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• Oct 20, 2011

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.

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• Oct 20, 2011

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

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• Oct 20, 2011

The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.

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• Oct 20, 2011

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

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• Oct 20, 2011

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

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• Oct 20, 2011

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

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• Oct 20, 2011

I can resist everything except temptation.

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• Oct 20, 2011

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

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• Oct 20, 2011

Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.