Alright, I'm not too sure which school you're from but from where I'm at, it's imperative that you need to get the basics right before anything else.
From what
Iknow, writing your composers' name and the text names of
ALL the texts you are discussing about is required in your introduction. I can tell you mentioned 'William Shakespeare' and the text 'The Tempest,' but nothing else other than that.
And it would be nice to structure your essay nicer so that it is easy for the marker to identify what you're going to talk about in each paragraph. Remember, markers
do have to mark a lot of papers and last thing they want to do is look around and spend time on what is preliminary. Start off with a thesis statement and then talk about it using your texts.
REMEMBER make sure your thesis statements have links to answering your question or your bound to get lower marks.
I've noticed that you do raise valid points, but you need to consider the language you are using to be a little more sophisticated. Like for an example, the line "Speculating about these things is ok" can be enhanced by replacing the word 'ok' into 'commendable.' In addition, the line "The Chorus goes" can be changed to... "The chorus states." Not only to an extent does this make you look more professional (not that it has any great concern) but it also affects the way the markers consider the flow of your essay.
Speaking of flow of essays, I noticed grammar needs work! I want you to read this line for yourself and tell me how hard it is to say it in one breath...
"It reflects on the decisions taken to lead on one journey and how making, choosing that path instead of the other one even though you have encountered hard times, it turned out for the better and you learnt a lot of things along the way, even though it may have been painful and in the end you can use those painful experiences for the better by helping other people get through similar situations because not all situations are the same or have the same consequences."
The flow is once again, disrupted. I could possibly have used about 3-4 fullstops in this paragraph alone. And because the flow of your essay has been disrupted, the idea you're trying to express too, fails to deliver... Which overall I'd say is a double negative
!
And having a look at your essay as a whole, it is way too short. Blunt but honest; but essays are a
discussion and to my personal belief, I see this more or less as constant statements. Without going in-depth into texts, you just won't get the marks.
Another thing I can pin point is that there are inadequate use of techniques. It feels to me that you're in fact, re-writing the story. Rather than discussing. Read the paragraph to yourself...
"In The Tempest there is a magician named Prospero and he finds a spirit trapped in a tree, he sets the spirit free on the condition that the spirit works for him for 7 years. A fair bit later he asks the spirit to set up a storm to shipwreck this boat that is close by. The spirit does as it is told and the boat is shipwrecked."
The marker already knows what The Tempest is about, and to remind him/her is just a ridiculous waste of time. Spend
A LITTLE time stating which particular scene you're going to talk about, and spend
MORE time raising points by using quotes and techniques. Techniques can include both visual techniques and language techniques and I can't say I've seen any utilised. More than anything, techniques are what will drive you to success.
And last of all, cut out what isn't required.
"The Road Not Taken is a good related text from the journeys booklet to match The Tempest."
I'm going to receit that once more for the sake of it... 'The Road Not Taken is a good related text...' Ask yourself the question 'was that necessary?' The markers acknowledge this as a waffle, and know you have inadequate knowledge of your text. Stop it at all cost.
I hope this has helped you to understand what you have lacked in and don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to be the devil, but more of the mentor that will assist you into becoming better. And in no way am I trying to discourage you! Learn from it and you should be better for your HSC
