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Ok, please give me feedback on my English. I constantly get low marks and idk why. (1 Viewer)

FlyingKanga

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First post, I'll try get accustomed to the rules soon enough. I'm in the last English class right now. I'm probably the only one who works. It feels like I shouldn't be here... Please give me feedback on my English. If this isn't A+ English standards, I don't know what is. This is for our speech on a text chosen by our English teacher and one of our choice.

In what ways do the two texts related to the Area of Interest - The Journey?

The journey is more rewarding than the destination, as wisdom, knowledge, maturity and the unique experience can be priceless. Good morning class. My speech will be on two texts that share many similar characteristics with each other. In these texts, the characters are forced to relinquish their current life and set out on a journey to bring major changes to themselves.

The allocated text, 'The Simple Gift', relates to the text I have chosen, 'Rabbit Proof Fence' , in many ways such as the similarity of their journey that they must take. Both protagonists have a quest to pursue, to bring a major change to their lives; Billy getting away from his father and starting a new life; the three Indigenous sisters returning back to their mother.

To expand on the main plotline for each text, in the book The Simple Gift, Billy resides in a torn up old house with his extremely alcoholic father in which he is constantly abused and mistreated. His pin his pulled when he accidentally breaks a window with a soccer ball and his father hits him in the face. Billy then collects his essentials and abandons the house to set off on a journey and build his life up from scratch showing not a single amount of remorse for his father, as shown in the unequivocal quote "He will have a fit". This is when Billy takes all of his father's alcohol with him.

The text I have chosen, the Rabbit Proof Fence (based on a true story) is set in the 1930s. Three sisters, Molly, Daisy and Gracie have been taken away from their mother because of a new policy that requires all Aboriginals to over time, fit European standards and rid the blackness in their skin. They escape from the camp to begin their journey on finding their mother, residing along the rabbit proof fence. The structure of the text is cyclical, as the protagonists move from freedom back to impression then back to freedom.

Both of these texts have numerous similarities such as the obstacles they must face: Billy escaping from welfare officers and the three sisters running away from the tracker. The resourcefulness they must take: Billy eating leftovers from McDonalds and saving his earnings for better uses, the three sisters sparingly eating the food they receive throughout their journey… Both characters will not give up, no matter what the circumstances are. A quote that demonstrates this for Billy in the Simple Gift is "I can't Leave the only town I’ve ever wanted to call home and Caitlin…". The three sisters continued their journey for decades in search of their mother, showing the immense dedication that they had.

The characters acknowledged the state of their peers and how they could end up like them if they did not continue their journey; Billy turning into drunken Old Bill and the three sisters turning into the abused indigenous servant.

The protagonists devoted their lives even more to their loved ones over their journey as a result of the maturity they were gaining, as shown in the Rabbit Proof Fence. The younger sisters had aged, roughly in their 70s were shown to be upset that they lost Molly along their journey. In the Simple Gift, Billy also showed affection by sacrificing his savings for Caitlin rather than using his earnings for himself. For them, a journey is best measured in friends rather than miles.

The journey they must take is both physical and mental. As they grow in age throughout their journey, their wisdom and maturity increases.

If the characters had not taken the step of a thousand steps for their journey and remained in their current lives, Billy would be a depressed, suicidal victim of an alcoholic father and the three sisters would also be living in oppressive lifestyles until the policy had been called off, with no wisdom, knowledge or an amazing experience to gain from it.
 
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WeaselPowa

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Re: Ok, please give me feedback on my English. I constantly get low marks and idk why

I see two quotes, no techniques, and a whole lot of pointless summarising. NEVER summarise. Replace it with more techniques that argue the question's point, and follow the P.E.T.E.L format (point, example, technique, example, link).
Eventually you will begin to see a pattern develop in your essays/speeches and hopefully move up from the lowest English class :)
 

Absolutezero

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Re: Ok, please give me feedback on my English. I constantly get low marks and idk why

The journey is more rewarding than the destination, as wisdom, knowledge, maturity and the unique experience can be priceless. Good morning class. My speech will be on two texts that share many similar characteristics with each other. In these texts, the characters are forced to relinquish their current life and set out on a journey to bring major changes to themselves.


Delete the stuff in bold. Replace with what the texts are. Then state how each of them individually relates to journeys in about one sentence each. Then put the sentence in italics below the paragraph below

The allocated text, 'The Simple Gift', relates to the text I have chosen, 'Rabbit Proof Fence' , in many ways such as the similarity of their journey that they must take. Both protagonists have a quest to pursue, to bring a major change to their lives; Billy getting away from his father and starting a new life; the three Indigenous sisters returning back to their mother.
See above note. Where is is underlined, state what the text type is (e.g. novel, film etc.). Delete bold, and tie the sentences together.

To expand on the main plotline for each text, in the book The Simple Gift, Billy resides in a torn up old house with his extremely alcoholic father in which he is constantly abused and mistreated. His pin his pulled when he accidentally breaks a window with a soccer ball and his father hits him in the face. Billy then collects his essentials and abandons the house to set off on a journey and build his life up from scratch showing not a single amount of remorse for his father, as shown in the unequivocal quote "He will have a fit". This is when Billy takes all of his father's alcohol with him.
Delete bold. You need an argument here, not a retelling of the text. What is it that is in the text that relates to journeys and the idea that journeys give "wisdom, knowledge, maturity "

The text I have chosen, the Rabbit Proof Fence (based on a true story) is set in the 1930s. Three sisters, Molly, Daisy and Gracie have been taken away from their mother because of a new policy that requires all Aboriginals to over time, fit European standards and rid the blackness in their skin. They escape from the camp to begin their journey on finding their mother, residing along the rabbit proof fence. The structure of the text is cyclical, as the protagonists move from freedom back to impression then back to freedom.
Delete bold. Again, don't retell the plot. What in the text shows the journey, and what techniques are used to show what is gained from the journey.

Both of these texts have numerous similarities such as the obstacles they must face: Billy escaping from welfare officers and the three sisters running away from the tracker. The resourcefulness they must take: Billy eating leftovers from McDonalds and saving his earnings for better uses, the three sisters sparingly eating the food they receive throughout their journey… Both characters will not give up, no matter what the circumstances are. A quote that demonstrates this for Billy in the Simple Gift is "I can't Leave the only town I’ve ever wanted to call home and Caitlin…". The three sisters continued their journey for decades in search of their mother, showing the immense dedication that they had.
Stuff in italics is the start of an argument; that obstacles are a part of the journey. However, you don't gain anything from just listing obstacles. You need to say how they are used in each text, how they are overcome, and what is learned from them. You may be better off having different paragraphs for each text, because trying to link them isn't working well for you. Also, all quotes need techniques to back them up

The characters acknowledged the state of their peers and how they could end up like them if they did not continue their journey; Billy turning into drunken Old Bill and the three sisters turning into the abused indigenous servant.
This is a good point, but is useless without quotes, techniques and a statement as to why they are important.

The protagonists devoted their lives even more to their loved ones over their journey as a result of the maturity they were gaining, as shown in the Rabbit Proof Fence. The younger sisters had aged, roughly in their 70s were shown to be upset that they lost Molly along their journey. In the Simple Gift, Billy also showed affection by sacrificing his savings for Caitlin rather than using his earnings for himself. For them, a journey is best measured in friends rather than miles.
The first line is good, but then it trails off into storytelling. You need evidence and proof to back up your argument. How is the devotion to their loved ones shown (with quotes and techniques) and how is that definitely because of the journey.

The journey they must take is both physical and mental. As they grow in age throughout their journey, their wisdom and maturity increases.
Again, this needs to be backed up and tied in better.

If the characters had not taken the step of a thousand steps for their journey and remained in their current lives, Billy would be a depressed, suicidal victim of an alcoholic father and the three sisters would also be living in oppressive lifestyles until the policy had been called off, with no wisdom, knowledge or an amazing experience to gain from it.
I can see what you're getting at, but you need to be explicit with what you just proved, and why the two texts were important in proving that.


It's mostly evidence and quote issues you're having, and that's tied to bad structure. Give this a read:

http://community.boredofstudies.org/showthread.php?t=257183

And you should have a better idea of how to approach the structure.
 

FlyingKanga

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Re: Ok, please give me feedback on my English. I constantly get low marks and idk why

Thanks a lot for the reply! I'll work off it but for now...
Delete the stuff in bold. Replace with what the texts are. Then state how each of them individually relates to journeys in about one sentence each. Then put the sentence in italics below the paragraph below
What do you mean about replacing with what the texts are? They're both texts, one is a movie another is a book but then I'd repeat myself in the next paragraph.

EDIT: Nevermind, stupid me. You simply wanted me to state the texts I've chosen. ^.^
 
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workhardplayfre

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Re: Ok, please give me feedback on my English. I constantly get low marks and idk why

Well for me currently im in yr10 and i just follow the TEQ acronym it means T-Technique E-Effect on the responder/effect of the technique Q-Quote, this is usually integrated within a sentence giving the marker an idea of what you're talking about. I hope this helps this has gotten me 85% and above in english ever since yr8 i used to always fail english like under 50% but now with this its simple. :) hope i helped you and good luck!!
 

Jimmy2064

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Re: Ok, please give me feedback on my English. I constantly get low marks and idk why

> Don't retell the plot - that shows no understanding of the text.
> TECHNIQUES! You have to show HOW the author is conveying the issues/values/ideas. (try to stay away from the word 'themes')
> Quotes (demonstrate your understanding)
> Evaluative statement - state the impact of the idea on the responder.

Vocab isn't bad for year ten, tbh you wouldn't have been in the lowest class in my school in year 10. Your writing skills are not bad, they just lack MEANING!
 

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