Relationship Problems (1 Viewer)

[kittystar]

I need other people's opinions - I want to make sure I'm not making a huge deal out of something that's not.

Basically my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and I really do love him, but lately we have both been busy and haven't seen each other in a while. Normally this wouldn't be a problem but before this we started fighting a little and I feel like I'm falling out of love with him. At the beginning of our relationship he lied about EVERYTHING, and I know it's because he's from a disadvantaged background and wanted to big note himself. However, although I told him how much his lying hurt me and that I loved him regardless he is still doing it. It's driving me insane! I don't even know what the truth is anymore, he has told me so many stories that I've caught him out on. Now don't get me wrong, I know for an absolute fact he would never cheat on me because that's not the type of person he is, but I just can't believe him anymore and the fact that I can't trust him anymore is making me resent him. Is this a deal breaker?

Secondly, he's 19 and still on his L's. I'm about to go for my P's but my mum is still picking him up from the station (he lives 1 1/2 hours away) and he can't go anywhere without catching a bus or a train, turning a normal 1 1/2 trip into a 3 hour trip so it's a lot of inconvenience. I know why he won't get his P's, it's because he's lazy and couldn't be bothered, he's even admitted this to me once. However he's using his family as an excuse, saying that if he gets them his mum will make him do everything.

Finally he's so unmotivated. I am such a determined, ambitious person and I do well, yet he always says he's going to be great and do all these things, and he tries it for a week or two and then quits. He's wasted so much time and money on things that he just couldn't be bothered to do. Then he gets jealous of my success and tries to make me feel guilty or knock me down.

I know I sound really negative about him but he's really not a bad guy. He is so sweet and I have never EVER seen another guy so compassionate towards women and he treats me so well. But as I said I'm falling out of love because of these faults in particular that no matter how many times I talk to him about it he keeps doing it. I just need some advice because I don't know whether it's really that big of a deal.

Thanks guys

 

[OzKo]

The lying is a problem. Any relationship is built on trust and if something as basic as trust is missing, then there is a serious issue.

The other issues are more based around personality and whether you're a good fit for that type of person. I assume that he has been lazy and unmotivated during the duration of the relationship? It is possible that those traits may stem from something which has been on-going which he hasn't told you about. In other words, laziness and being unmotivated can be resolved across time.

 

[kittystar]

I suppose he's lazy because he didn't have to do much to get by in high school and he hasn't yet transitioned from high school to uni yet. But I'm not sure, as I said I don't really know whether what he's telling me is the truth or not

 

[Frostbitten]

That lying probably won't stop, long term you don't want to be with liars.

 

[AnimeX]

It is hard to change a person's attitudes and habits, but you should talk to him and tell him what you want out of the relationship (e.g. not to put you down for your success, almost getting p's etc.)

 

[someth1ng]

I need other people's opinions - I want to make sure I'm not making a huge deal out of something that's not.

Basically my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and I really do love him, but lately we have both been busy and haven't seen each other in a while. Normally this wouldn't be a problem but before this we started fighting a little and I feel like I'm falling out of love with him. At the beginning of our relationship he lied about EVERYTHING, and I know it's because he's from a disadvantaged background and wanted to big note himself. However, although I told him how much his lying hurt me and that I loved him regardless he is still doing it. It's driving me insane! I don't even know what the truth is anymore, he has told me so many stories that I've caught him out on. Now don't get me wrong, I know for an absolute fact he would never cheat on me because that's not the type of person he is, but I just can't believe him anymore and the fact that I can't trust him anymore is making me resent him. Is this a deal breaker?

Secondly, he's 19 and still on his L's. I'm about to go for my P's but my mum is still picking him up from the station (he lives 1 1/2 hours away) and he can't go anywhere without catching a bus or a train, turning a normal 1 1/2 trip into a 3 hour trip so it's a lot of inconvenience. I know why he won't get his P's, it's because he's lazy and couldn't be bothered, he's even admitted this to me once. However he's using his family as an excuse, saying that if he gets them his mum will make him do everything.

Finally he's so unmotivated. I am such a determined, ambitious person and I do well, yet he always says he's going to be great and do all these things, and he tries it for a week or two and then quits. He's wasted so much time and money on things that he just couldn't be bothered to do. Then he gets jealous of my success and tries to make me feel guilty or knock me down.

I know I sound really negative about him but he's really not a bad guy. He is so sweet and I have never EVER seen another guy so compassionate towards women and he treats me so well. But as I said I'm falling out of love because of these faults in particular that no matter how many times I talk to him about it he keeps doing it. I just need some advice because I don't know whether it's really that big of a deal.

Thanks guys

1. That's a big issue and if it's to make himself feel more important and special then there's some serious issues there such as self-esteem problems. As previously mentioned by OzKo, any relationship has built on trust and if you don't have that, you can't expect it to be successful. It's like building a house - if you make the foundation weak then you build the floor and it seems okay so you build another floor on top of that and it collapses. Well, you don't want a relationship like that - the foundation is the most important and things that are built on that can be changed and fixed but the foundation is still everything.

2. If he lies that much so that you can catch him out for it and you can't trust him then there's a huge issue. Also, the type of lies matter too - what type of lies? If it's gotten to the point where you can't trust him then there's a lot of work on if you want a functional relationship with him.

3. To me, I'd give them a chance but if it's recurring and I can't seem to do anything about it then yes, it would be a deal breaker.

4. If he won't get it because he's lazy and can't be bothered then that's also an issue - you can't go through life with that attitude and expect to get anywhere. It's ultimately him that will get him anywhere in life and with that attitude, I don't see it happening. Also, saying that his mum would make him do everything is just an excuse because he is lazy.

5. I know this type of person very well - one specific person in my family is very much like that. My experience is that that personality can be incredibly annoying, they try to put you down to make themselves feel better. They can be self-righteous at times and when you disagree, they will insist that they are right even when there are colossal amounts of evidence to show them otherwise. Part of my personality is contrasting with that - if I'm curious about something, I will spend a lot of time trying to find the solution. With that said, I must admit that this personality (the bad one), because I have lived with it for so long has embedded itself in me too and it's a part of me that I would change, if I could change one thing.

6. I can completely understand where you're coming from - based on my experience though, I didn't get anything sweet or compassionate from them. If you love him, there's a lot of work for you to do and it's always possible but yes, it's a huge deal and if it was me, I would've taken it very seriously.

 

[Emily Howard]

generalizin here

flaw ov many women is dat dey dink dey can change a man n while it can be true i find a lot ov u gurls end up spendin too long wit da "wrong guy" becos ov dis

i see dat u obv care fo him n luv him but u hav to accept da possibility dat he may neva change or grow up, n if dats da case, do u still wana be wif him?

 

[kaz1]

tell him you'll have a threesome with a girl and him if he gets his P's

 

[Kiraken]

I need other people's opinions - I want to make sure I'm not making a huge deal out of something that's not.

Basically my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and I really do love him, but lately we have both been busy and haven't seen each other in a while. Normally this wouldn't be a problem but before this we started fighting a little and I feel like I'm falling out of love with him. At the beginning of our relationship he lied about EVERYTHING, and I know it's because he's from a disadvantaged background and wanted to big note himself. However, although I told him how much his lying hurt me and that I loved him regardless he is still doing it. It's driving me insane! I don't even know what the truth is anymore, he has told me so many stories that I've caught him out on. Now don't get me wrong, I know for an absolute fact he would never cheat on me because that's not the type of person he is, but I just can't believe him anymore and the fact that I can't trust him anymore is making me resent him. Is this a deal breaker?

Secondly, he's 19 and still on his L's. I'm about to go for my P's but my mum is still picking him up from the station (he lives 1 1/2 hours away) and he can't go anywhere without catching a bus or a train, turning a normal 1 1/2 trip into a 3 hour trip so it's a lot of inconvenience. I know why he won't get his P's, it's because he's lazy and couldn't be bothered, he's even admitted this to me once. However he's using his family as an excuse, saying that if he gets them his mum will make him do everything.

Finally he's so unmotivated. I am such a determined, ambitious person and I do well, yet he always says he's going to be great and do all these things, and he tries it for a week or two and then quits. He's wasted so much time and money on things that he just couldn't be bothered to do. Then he gets jealous of my success and tries to make me feel guilty or knock me down.

I know I sound really negative about him but he's really not a bad guy. He is so sweet and I have never EVER seen another guy so compassionate towards women and he treats me so well. But as I said I'm falling out of love because of these faults in particular that no matter how many times I talk to him about it he keeps doing it. I just need some advice because I don't know whether it's really that big of a deal.

Thanks guys

Honestly, the lying indicates a lack of trust, which is a massive no-no in any relationship, particularly if you have been with him that long.

Also the jealousy thing is also kinda bad, not just in a relo but any friendship. People who genuinely value you should be supportive, encouraging and proud of your successes, not try to undermine them

 

[kittystar]

Thanks everyone, I know I need to go and speak to him, but it's just so hard - how do you just end things with the person you've been with for so long? Thank you especially to someth1ng for your really long and informative post

 

[spatula232]

generalizin here

flaw ov many women is dat dey dink dey can change a man n while it can be true i find a lot ov u gurls end up spendin too long wit da "wrong guy" becos ov dis

i see dat u obv care fo him n luv him but u hav to accept da possibility dat he may neva change or grow up, n if dats da case, do u still wana be wif him?

Just wondering (dont take this the wrong way or anything) but do u always speak like this?

 

[Emily Howard]

Just wondering (dont take this the wrong way or anything) but do u always speak like this?

m8 im a troll i talk lyk dis online but wen i am wif me lads i am full strayan yo

 

[spatula232]

m8 im a troll i talk lyk dis online but wen i am wif me lads i am full strayan yo

lol ok. i kinda hoped so

 

[spatula232]

do you have to think about what to write or does it just come naturally

 

[Emily Howard]

cums naturally n i keep up wif da western syd lingo yo