How do you improve (1 Viewer)

[jane1820]

We were doing in eng today "analyse how the opeoning scene of Barbie 2023 showcases resistance"

I wrote my peel (if u want me to type it tell me - its shit tho) n my teacher gave me feedback and said "you have the ides but you write like how you would speak"

Sounded like it's bad n i rlly need help w eng its not even funny atp (i once spent 3 straight hours crying abt eng)

How does one improve?? Ive tried everything: writing random paragraphs for feedback, looked at youtube, complained that my teacher doesnt give good feedback (ill have her for senior yrs) while also asking ai for feedback, asked my mum (ex high school eng teacher), wrote more, read more but NOTHING N IT PISSES THE FUCK OUTTA ME

for those who were as bad as me how did u improve? Plz i dont wanna do adv eng w my level this low

 

[Study to success]

We were doing in eng today "analyse how the opeoning scene of Barbie 2023 showcases resistance"

I wrote my peel (if u want me to type it tell me - its shit tho) n my teacher gave me feedback and said "you have the ides but you write like how you would speak"

Sounded like it's bad n i rlly need help w eng its not even funny atp (i once spent 3 straight hours crying abt eng)

How does one improve?? Ive tried everything: writing random paragraphs for feedback, looked at youtube, complained that my teacher doesnt give good feedback (ill have her for senior yrs) while also asking ai for feedback, asked my mum (ex high school eng teacher), wrote more, read more but NOTHING N IT PISSES THE FUCK OUTTA ME

for those who were as bad as me how did u improve? Plz i dont wanna do adv eng w my level this low

Honestly I have the same problem too and I feel as though no matter how hard I try I still don't know how to do good in english

 

[Shavi Masee]

We were doing in eng today "analyse how the opeoning scene of Barbie 2023 showcases resistance"

I wrote my peel (if u want me to type it tell me - its shit tho) n my teacher gave me feedback and said "you have the ides but you write like how you would speak"

Sounded like it's bad n i rlly need help w eng its not even funny atp (i once spent 3 straight hours crying abt eng)

How does one improve?? Ive tried everything: writing random paragraphs for feedback, looked at youtube, complained that my teacher doesnt give good feedback (ill have her for senior yrs) while also asking ai for feedback, asked my mum (ex high school eng teacher), wrote more, read more but NOTHING N IT PISSES THE FUCK OUTTA ME

for those who were as bad as me how did u improve? Plz i dont wanna do adv eng w my level this low

Can i see how you wrote it?
I can't give you advice as I'm on the same boat as you, but If I'm doing something different I can tell you?

 

[KanyeWestLover76]

We were doing in eng today "analyse how the opeoning scene of Barbie 2023 showcases resistance"

I wrote my peel (if u want me to type it tell me - its shit tho) n my teacher gave me feedback and said "you have the ides but you write like how you would speak"

Sounded like it's bad n i rlly need help w eng its not even funny atp (i once spent 3 straight hours crying abt eng)

How does one improve?? Ive tried everything: writing random paragraphs for feedback, looked at youtube, complained that my teacher doesnt give good feedback (ill have her for senior yrs) while also asking ai for feedback, asked my mum (ex high school eng teacher), wrote more, read more but NOTHING N IT PISSES THE FUCK OUTTA ME

for those who were as bad as me how did u improve? Plz i dont wanna do adv eng w my level this low

Hope this helps!!

 

[jonolad69]

u honestly just have to post what u wrote

 

[Lumimi]

I can try giving some advice if u type in ur paragraph

 

[jane1820]

The opening scene of Barbie showcases resistance by highlighting themes of feminism. Through the illustration of little girls playing with baby dolls, it depicts the stereotype implemented in the 50s and 60s that says a woman’s only role is being a housewife and a mother. By introducing the huge Barbie doll in the swimsuit it shows that women are allowed to be free and choose to not be ‘mothers’. The swimsuit also gives the message that women do not need approval from men to go swimming or what to wear since Barbie originally never had a male partner. The low angle of the huge Barbie doll shows dominance by making her features appear more powerful. The Barbie doll being a woman and not a baby break stereotypes implemented on girls and women originally. Additionally, the breaking of baby dolls by the girl also shows resistance as she breaks the sexist ideology. Barbie’s opening scene shows resistance through the theme of feminism.

i didnt have enough time to write a conclusion thats why its so bad but honestly the whole thing is bad ngl

 

[Study to success]

The opening scene of Barbie showcases resistance by highlighting themes of feminism. Through the illustration of little girls playing with baby dolls, it depicts the stereotype implemented in the 50s and 60s that says a woman’s only role is being a housewife and a mother. By introducing the huge Barbie doll in the swimsuit it shows that women are allowed to be free and choose to not be ‘mothers’. The swimsuit also gives the message that women do not need approval from men to go swimming or what to wear since Barbie originally never had a male partner. The low angle of the huge Barbie doll shows dominance by making her features appear more powerful. The Barbie doll being a woman and not a baby break stereotypes implemented on girls and women originally. Additionally, the breaking of baby dolls by the girl also shows resistance as she breaks the sexist ideology. Barbie’s opening scene shows resistance through the theme of feminism.

i didnt have enough time to write a conclusion thats why its so bad but honestly the whole thing is bad ngl

I'm no expert in English either but maybe in the opening sentence be more specific on what themes of feminism you are going to talk about later on in ur analysis. Also in the part "it shows that women are allowed to be free and choose to not be ‘mothers’" Maybe add more detail. I would probably write it as: It shows how women were able to break free from the stereotypes of being housewives and were instead able to enjoy other leisure activities such as swimming instead of house work.

Also in the part " The low angle of the huge Barbie doll shows dominance by making her features appear more powerful." Maybe elaborate more on the effect on this and how it shows resistance. And throughout the parragraph make sure you are constantly linking it back to the question

or something like that. Honestly my writing is shit too

 

[Lumimi]

The opening scene of Barbie showcases resistance by highlighting themes of feminism. Through the illustration of little girls playing with baby dolls, it depicts the stereotype implemented in the 50s and 60s that says a woman’s only role is being a housewife and a mother. By introducing the huge Barbie doll in the swimsuit it shows that women are allowed to be free and choose to not be ‘mothers’. The swimsuit also gives the message that women do not need approval from men to go swimming or what to wear since Barbie originally never had a male partner. The low angle of the huge Barbie doll shows dominance by making her features appear more powerful. The Barbie doll being a woman and not a baby break stereotypes implemented on girls and women originally. Additionally, the breaking of baby dolls by the girl also shows resistance as she breaks the sexist ideology. Barbie’s opening scene shows resistance through the theme of feminism.

i didnt have enough time to write a conclusion thats why its so bad but honestly the whole thing is bad ngl

First of all, you have really good points of analysis and linking the concept of resistance to gender roles and feminism, my main points would probably be that you haven't utilised many techniques that act as evidence to back up your analysis. Try researching techniques showcased in the opening scene (such as camera movement/angle, colour, style, dialogue etc) and figure out how you can integrate that within your paragraph to further elevate the WHAT, HOW and WHY counterparts of your analysis.

For example: "The illustration of little girls playing with baby dolls showcases the gender stereotypes implemented in the 50s and 60s, the juxtaposition of the movie's narrative alongside absurd, feminine visuals critiques the notion of women as domestic homemakers, challenging demeaning and ironic societal norms surrounding femininity."

"The symbolism of the swimsuit highlights the message that etc..."

Your introduction or opening line has a great starting point, but you could definitely expand on the specific effects of feminism in society and how Barbie further reflects that

For example: "The opening scene of Barbie showcases the complexity of resisting patriarchal societal norms, elevating feminist movements of gender equality and diverging from feminine stereotypes that underscore sexist ideologies within contemporary society."

Let me know if you need any more help

 

[lumora]

u are either good at english or not, and unfortunately ur not but that's okay.

 

[jane1820]

u are either good at english or not, and unfortunately ur not but that's okay.

Realest shit

ppl keep telling me ‘but u can impove its english’ umm no tf i cant?
anyways im more math/science so its ok to be bad at eng ig

 

[gammahydroxybutyrate]

The opening scene of Barbie showcases resistance by highlighting themes of feminism. Through the illustration of little girls playing with baby dolls, it depicts the stereotype implemented in the 50s and 60s that says a woman’s only role is being a housewife and a mother. By introducing the huge Barbie doll in the swimsuit it shows that women are allowed to be free and choose to not be ‘mothers’. The swimsuit also gives the message that women do not need approval from men to go swimming or what to wear since Barbie originally never had a male partner. The low angle of the huge Barbie doll shows dominance by making her features appear more powerful. The Barbie doll being a woman and not a baby break stereotypes implemented on girls and women originally. Additionally, the breaking of baby dolls by the girl also shows resistance as she breaks the sexist ideology. Barbie’s opening scene shows resistance through the theme of feminism.

i didnt have enough time to write a conclusion thats why its so bad but honestly the whole thing is bad ngl

Your opening sentence says nothing conclusive or critical. You're saying: "It shows resistance by highlighting feminism". What do you mean by resistance? Who is resisting what? How does it 'highlight it'? Through characterisation, metaphor, symbolism etc.? What are the implications of feminist themes being there, how do they relate to resistance?

In your next sentence, adding the word "illustration" doesn't change anything. There are small girls playing with dolls, and it shows a stereotype. Okay, but then you go on to extrapolate that the stereotype in question is that a woman has a sole role at the time as a housewife and mother. How did you get that from girls playing with dolls? What part of playing with doll toys has anything to do with the role of a housewife or mother?

Third sentence, you say the swimsuit sends a message. The message, in your view, is that women don't need approval and apparently this is because of Barbie's lack of a male partner. This is extremely weak logic on a good day. Just because Barbie happens to be wearing a swimsuit and also lacks a male partner doesn't at all mean they have anything to do with each other. If I'm wearing red socks and have a brain aneurysm, I would imagine you wouldn't conclude that all people who wear red socks will have an aneurysm.

You then talk about the angle of the shot. You argue it shows dominance through making her features more powerful, whatever that means. Which features are emphasised? Even if the shot's emphasis was Barbie holding a handgun to Ken's head while he sobs and begs for mercy, just observing that fact alone wouldn't even prove "dominance".

The fact that the doll is a woman and not a child breaks stereotypes? What stereotypes? Even if you identified those, how is the fact that the doll depicts an older woman even relevant? The girl breaking dolls shows resistance... to what? What sexist ideology? You didn't even bring that up or explain it previously. Your conclusion is just blanket repetition of the wet paper topic sentence and adds nothing.

Your issue is that you aren't actually saying anything at all, or proving anything. And even if your examples proved your point, it's extremely general and lacks any critical take on any sort of imaginable prompt. You can start by literally just asking the above questions when reading your own writing, and asking whether the answers to those questions make any sense. The more general an argument is, the more evidence it requires to evidence it, and the weaker it tends to be in general. You can't use one or two isolated incidents of a character using exclamation marks to establish that they're a fundamentally angry and maladjusted person, and therefore everyone is angry and we should lock them all in anger management courses until they can use their inside voices.

 

[lumora]

Realest shit

ppl keep telling me ‘but u can impove its english’ umm no tf i cant?
anyways im more math/science so its ok to be bad at eng ig

see, as long as u can cook up in math or science ur fine then

 

[Tryingtodowell]

The opening scene of Barbie showcases resistance by highlighting themes of feminism. Through the illustration of little girls playing with baby dolls, it depicts the stereotype implemented in the 50s and 60s that says a woman’s only role is being a housewife and a mother. By introducing the huge Barbie doll in the swimsuit it shows that women are allowed to be free and choose to not be ‘mothers’. The swimsuit also gives the message that women do not need approval from men to go swimming or what to wear since Barbie originally never had a male partner. The low angle of the huge Barbie doll shows dominance by making her features appear more powerful. The Barbie doll being a woman and not a baby break stereotypes implemented on girls and women originally. Additionally, the breaking of baby dolls by the girl also shows resistance as she breaks the sexist ideology. Barbie’s opening scene shows resistance through the theme of feminism.

i didnt have enough time to write a conclusion thats why its so bad but honestly the whole thing is bad ngl

Your paragraph reads like this if simplifed to the basics:

I love walking to the park. The park has a really nice atmosphere. The sun is yellow and it shines bright. I love sitting at the benches because it feels cool.

idk the lack of flow and simple sentences is taking me out

 

[jane1820]

Your paragraph reads like this if simplifed to the basics:

I love walking to the park. The park has a really nice atmosphere. The sun is yellow and it shines bright. I love sitting at the benches because it feels cool.

idk the lack of flow and simple sentences is taking me out

No shit sherlock thats the whole reason im trying to improve
Ugh whatever as long as i wrote something ig (even if it doesnt make sense)

 

[spiderfan44]

The opening scene of Barbie showcases resistance by highlighting themes of feminism. Through the illustration of little girls playing with baby dolls, it depicts the stereotype implemented in the 50s and 60s that says a woman’s only role is being a housewife and a mother. By introducing the huge Barbie doll in the swimsuit it shows that women are allowed to be free and choose to not be ‘mothers’. The swimsuit also gives the message that women do not need approval from men to go swimming or what to wear since Barbie originally never had a male partner. The low angle of the huge Barbie doll shows dominance by making her features appear more powerful. The Barbie doll being a woman and not a baby break stereotypes implemented on girls and women originally. Additionally, the breaking of baby dolls by the girl also shows resistance as she breaks the sexist ideology. Barbie’s opening scene shows resistance through the theme of feminism.

i didnt have enough time to write a conclusion thats why its so bad but honestly the whole thing is bad ngl

you dont explain how the scenes highlight the theme of feminism or really link it to feminism, youre just repeating the scenes to the audience then saying its feminist. eg; 'the baby being a woman and not a baby break sterotypes implemented on girls and women originally', how is the sterotype being broken? what is the sterotype, you cant just assume a marker will know sterotypes related to toys? how does breaking the sterotype show feminism? if i was you id focus more on explaining just once piece of evidence rather than listing of multiple pieces of evidence without explaining it or linking it back to the themes

 

[rh_06]

The opening scene of Barbie showcases resistance by highlighting themes of feminism. Through the illustration of little girls playing with baby dolls, it depicts the stereotype implemented in the 50s and 60s that says a woman’s only role is being a housewife and a mother. By introducing the huge Barbie doll in the swimsuit it shows that women are allowed to be free and choose to not be ‘mothers’. The swimsuit also gives the message that women do not need approval from men to go swimming or what to wear since Barbie originally never had a male partner. The low angle of the huge Barbie doll shows dominance by making her features appear more powerful. The Barbie doll being a woman and not a baby break stereotypes implemented on girls and women originally. Additionally, the breaking of baby dolls by the girl also shows resistance as she breaks the sexist ideology. Barbie’s opening scene shows resistance through the theme of feminism.

i didnt have enough time to write a conclusion thats why its so bad but honestly the whole thing is bad ngl

On top of what @Lumimi and @gammahydroxybutyrate said, I would also add that your language and overall argument is low modal and therefore fails to persuade the reader. This can be rectified by utilising more technical and sophisticated language as well as words commonly used in critical essays such as 'furthermore,' 'strongly,' etc- basically your paragraph does not persuade the reader. You can fix this problem by reading critical essays, published journals, exemplar paragraphs etc. Analyse how the author conveys their argument using words.
Just remember, a weak argument with poor evidence can be somewhat salvaged with good grammar that makes it seem you know what your talking about... 'fake it till you make it.'

I've quickly edited (and bolded) some parts I would change - I'm just focusing on grammar and syntax for now.

The opening scene of Barbie exemplifies resistance by elucidating the concept* of feminism. Through the illustration of little girls playing with baby dolls, it depicts the stereotype implemented in the 1950s and 1960s that says a woman’s only role is being a housewife and a mother.
Link back to authorial purpose etc. This is also the perfect place to insert your technique. This is a movie right? You can explain how the director (make sure you name them) uses a e.g. 'wide shot' (film techniques) to illustrate the stereotype...

By introducing the huge Barbie doll in the swimsuit it shows that women are allowed to be free and choose to not be ‘mothers’.
These statements are rather useless- If you want to say something like this, make sure you have contextual evidence or some sort of evidence to back this.

The swimsuit also gives the message that women do not need approval from men to go swimming or what to wear since Barbie originally never had a male partner. The low angle of the huge Barbie doll shows dominance by making her features appear more powerful. The Barbie doll being a woman and not a baby break stereotypes implemented on girls and women originally. Additionally, the breaking of baby dolls by the girl also shows resistance as she breaks the sexist ideology. Barbie’s opening scene shows resistance through the theme of feminism.

I'm going to be brutally honest... This paragraph is just too messy. Your ideas, grammar, syntax and evidence are all over the place. I can see that your idea is resistance through feminism but everything else is too vague and messy. The best way to fix this is to research more on the topic of feminism (basically, know your idea and ensure you have contextual and textual evidence)

Since your weakness is evidently structure, I recommend using scaffolds and strictly adhereing to a certain structure. And no, I'm not talking about a scaffold like PEEL. I'm talking about PETAL (Point, Evidence, Technique, Analysis, Link) but with more subtitles/specific directions. If your teachers have not provided you with that, let me know. I can post one here.
*'themes' sounds too 'kiddy' or so i've been told. Use terms like 'thematic concerns' or 'concepts/ideas' instead.

 

[gammahydroxybutyrate]

On top of what @Lumimi and @gammahydroxybutyrate said, I would also add that your language and overall argument is low modal and therefore fails to persuade the reader. This can be rectified by utilising more technical and sophisticated language as well as words commonly used in critical essays such as 'furthermore,' 'strongly,' etc- basically your paragraph does not persuade the reader. You can fix this problem by reading critical essays, published journals, exemplar paragraphs etc. Analyse how the author conveys their argument using words.
Just remember, a weak argument with poor evidence can be somewhat salvaged with good grammar that makes it seem you know what your talking about... 'fake it till you make it.'

I've quickly edited (and bolded) some parts I would change - I'm just focusing on grammar and syntax for now.

The opening scene of Barbie exemplifies resistance by elucidating the concept* of feminism. Through the illustration of little girls playing with baby dolls, it depicts the stereotype implemented in the 1950s and 1960s that says a woman’s only role is being a housewife and a mother.
Link back to authorial purpose etc. This is also the perfect place to insert your technique. This is a movie right? You can explain how the director (make sure you name them) uses a e.g. 'wide shot' (film techniques) to illustrate the stereotype...

By introducing the huge Barbie doll in the swimsuit it shows that women are allowed to be free and choose to not be ‘mothers’.
These statements are rather useless- If you want to say something like this, make sure you have contextual evidence or some sort of evidence to back this.

The swimsuit also gives the message that women do not need approval from men to go swimming or what to wear since Barbie originally never had a male partner. The low angle of the huge Barbie doll shows dominance by making her features appear more powerful. The Barbie doll being a woman and not a baby break stereotypes implemented on girls and women originally. Additionally, the breaking of baby dolls by the girl also shows resistance as she breaks the sexist ideology. Barbie’s opening scene shows resistance through the theme of feminism.

I'm going to be brutally honest... This paragraph is just too messy. Your ideas, grammar, syntax and evidence are all over the place. I can see that your idea is resistance through feminism but everything else is too vague and messy. The best way to fix this is to research more on the topic of feminism (basically, know your idea and ensure you have contextual and textual evidence)

Since your weakness is evidently structure, I recommend using scaffolds and strictly adhereing to a certain structure. And no, I'm not talking about a scaffold like PEEL. I'm talking about PETAL (Point, Evidence, Technique, Analysis, Link) but with more subtitles/specific directions. If your teachers have not provided you with that, let me know. I can post one here.
*'themes' sounds too 'kiddy' or so i've been told. Use terms like 'thematic concerns' or 'concepts/ideas' instead.

this is probably only relevant to you as opposed to OP if you plan on doing any subject involving writing in uni, but you can't salvage a bad argument with big words unless your marker is ESL in the process of learning the very hungry caterpillar (some would say less likely in an english subject) or is on their 6th glass of wine while they mark hsc papers for sweatshop rates.

"elucidating" is the inconsistent hsc student's signature word. using the right words helps in the right circumstances, but nothing substantially changed in the introduction outside of maybe bumping you from a fail to a pass because you at least knew words in the english language. "the opening scene makes an example of resistance by making clear the concept of feminism." this is still no different to saying, george orwell's 1984 is the poster girl of modern age brainrot by explaining skibidi toilet on the tiktok. you can't prove a point by saying thing A is an example of thing B shown through thing C when all of those things aren't even close to established a priori and each require proof.

grammar, syntax and/or structure can't save fundamentally bad reasoning and understanding, in the same fashion that relatively poor grammar or an imperfect vocabulary aren't complete obstructions to good marks in the case of well reasoned points. good structure is a corollary of good writing; the agreed upon cookie cutter structures just happen to be the most logically efficient ways of making points under exam conditions.

 

[rh_06]

this is probably only relevant to you as opposed to OP if you plan on doing any subject involving writing in uni, but you can't salvage a bad argument with big words unless your marker is ESL in the process of learning the very hungry caterpillar (some would say less likely in an english subject) or is on their 6th glass of wine while they mark hsc papers for sweatshop rates.

"elucidating" is the inconsistent hsc student's signature word. using the right words helps in the right circumstances, but nothing substantially changed in the introduction outside of maybe bumping you from a fail to a pass because you at least knew words in the english language. "the opening scene makes an example of resistance by making clear the concept of feminism." this is still no different to saying, george orwell's 1984 is the poster girl of modern age brainrot by explaining skibidi toilet on the tiktok. you can't prove a point by saying thing A is an example of thing B shown through thing C when all of those things aren't even close to established a priori and each require proof.

grammar, syntax and/or structure can't save fundamentally bad reasoning and understanding, in the same fashion that relatively poor grammar or an imperfect vocabulary aren't complete obstructions to good marks in the case of well reasoned points. good structure is a corollary of good writing; the agreed upon cookie cutter structures just happen to be the most logically efficient ways of making points under exam conditions.

You are correct about this however, I would like to outline that I was solely focusing on improving the grammar/syntax. By no means is it a 'great' response and I guess you could say I was trying to put lipstick on a pig (no offence to op), but I can argue that good grammar, syntax and/or structure can overshadow (not save) bad reasoning- at least from a markers perspective. In the end, both go hand in hand so yes, a balance is important.

also, I see you got a 99 in the LAT... damm lol good work. Did u/ r u studying law at unsw? I have a few questions if you don't mind me asking/if you have the time.

 

[gammahydroxybutyrate]

You are correct about this however, I would like to outline that I was solely focusing on improving the grammar/syntax. By no means is it a 'great' response and I guess you could say I was trying to put lipstick on a pig (no offence to op), but I can argue that good grammar, syntax and/or structure can overshadow (not save) bad reasoning- at least from a markers perspective. In the end, both go hand in hand so yes, a balance is important.

also, I see you got a 99 in the LAT... damm lol good work. Did u/ r u studying law at unsw? I have a few questions if you don't mind me asking/if you have the time.

i think it all depends on the marker. realistically not all english teachers are all that competent, so 'covering it up' is only going to work if the marker doesn't have a great understanding themselves. you'll get steamrolled in uni for trying this, you'll realise if you do law that big words will get you headshot by markers because they only care about reasoning.

i'm finishing up law at usyd this semester, i wasn't sure if i'd make the atar cutoff for usyd so i took the lat anyway but made it into usyd 5 odd years ago. happy to answer questions.