ANy good jokes (1 Viewer)

[SomeoneCool]

*WARNING: RACIST JOKE :GNINRAW*



An Abo and a Leb were in a car, who was driving?



The cop

What do you call an Aboriginal driving a Ferrari?













A theif!

 

[sannous1]

this is pretty lame but i always laugh

why did tiger look down the toilet?

to look for pooh

 

[Aznmichael92]

*WARNING: RACIST JOKE :GNINRAW*



An Abo and a Leb were in a car, who was driving?



The cop

the one i heard is slightly different

An abo and a leb were fighting in the back of a car. Who wins?
Society

 

[Anonymous1]

Racist joke:

What's the difference between an Aboriginal and a black couch?



The couch can support the family!


meh.

 

[HalcyonSky]

whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?

pizzas dont scream in the oven



whats the best thing about fucking twentyseven year olds?

there's 27 of them

 

[mattchis]

theres 20 of them*

haha sorry had to correct

 

[Fathers]

How do you make a baby girl cry twice?

You fuck her in the anus and wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.

 

[shinji]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it..

Why is a launderette (Laundromat) a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

Why has NASA never sent a woman to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested..
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

[shinji]

The queen of England was visiting a top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."






_______________________________________


After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenanceengineer s.By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P:Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.(I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit

S: Cat installed.

 

[aimhigh10]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated coversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following: Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.
'You folu-mouth swine,' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'
'Hey coola down lady,' said the man. 'Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.'

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
that ones really good

 

[Kontemptuous]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
that ones really good

Bwahaha QFT



-

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

-

 

[custard.apple]

Why did the butcher die?








Because he cut the wrong sausage!!!!

 

[killarahigh]

I like custard apples.

 

[Izzay]

Why dont you ever laugh at a black man riding a bike?

Coz the bike is probably yours.


What did the blind, deaf, paraplegic boy get for his birthday?

Cancer.

 

[sca]

This is off the top of my head, and there are a few slightly different versions... but same gist:



A man walks into a bar and notices a large jar on the counter which is filled to the brim with 10 dollar bills. He guesses there must be a few thousand dollars in it.<o>
</o><o></o>
The man takes a stool and after a few drinks, turns to the Bartender and asks about the Jar.<o></o>
<o></o>
“Well” says the Bartender “If you pay 10 dollars and can pass three tests, you take the lot”.<o></o>
<o></o>
“Fair game” says the man, and he puts a 10 dollar bill into the jar, “What are the three tests?”<o></o>
<o></o>

“First off, see that bouncer over there?” and the Bartend nods toward a large burly man by the exit, “You’ve gotta knock him out cold”.<o></o>
<o></o>
“Second of all, I’ve got a pittbull down in the basement. Her name’s Betsy and she has a toothache. I need you to hold her down and pull out her sore tooth.”<o></o>
<o></o>
“And finally, there’s an old woman upstairs – regular of mine, almost 90 – who’s never had an orgasm. I need you to make such sweet love to her that she has them in multiples”.<o></o>
<o>

</o> The man nods, sculls his beer, and then hurls the mug across the room where it hits the bouncer in the back of the head - knocking him out cold.<o>
</o><o></o>
“Onne down…” the man slurs, and stumbles down the stairs to the basement.<o>

</o><o></o><o></o>
He’s down there for probably an hour – all anyone can hear is the pitt bull barking and yelping, loud thuds and crashes, and the guy screaming– before everything goes quiet and the man reappears.<o></o>
<o></o>
Coming up the stairs his clothes are ripped and covered in blood, there are bite marks on his arms and bruises on his chest. He’s an absolute wreck, fiery as hell from the ordeal and determined to get through the last task.

<o></o><o></o>
“Now!” the man yells out, slamming his hand down on the bar so the room goes quiet, “where’s that old lady with the sore tooth?”<o></o>

 

[addikaye03]

RACIST JOKE ALERT!

What is the difference between an aboriginal and a park bench?

A/ a park bench can support a family.

 

[sca]

A few shorter ones I can think of:

//OFFENSIVE CONTENT//





Yo' mamma so fat she's the ugly dumpling.


What's worse than 100 babies stapled to a tree?
1 baby stapled to 100 trees


What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
Can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.


What's the difference between 20 dead babies and a ferrari?
I don't have a ferrari in my garage.


Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.


I like my women like I like my coffee - black, ground up and in the freezer.


What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they never change anything!


One day God was looking for Eve, when he came across Adam sitting in the garden by himself.
"Where's Eve?" God asked.
"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed - it's been happening about once a month."
"So where is she?" asked God.
"She went down the river to clean herself up" replied Adam.
"Damn" said God, "now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."


How many babies do you need to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.


How do you fit 100 babies into a bath tub?
A blender.

How do you get them out of the bath tub?
Doritos.


What's better than a pile of dead babies?
The live one at the bottom trying to eat its way to the top.


What have boobs and playstations got in common?
They were both created for children but are used mostly by men!


Why do woman wear white at their wedding?
'Cos the dishwasher should match the rest of the appliances.


What does Michael Jackson have in common with caviar?
It also comes on little white crackers.


A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in cling film and wearing nothing underneath.
The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts."


What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's brown, sticky and crawling up your leg?
Homesick poo.



Ahh, that's enough French procrastination for now.

 

[Mozanidas]

what did one african american statue say to the other african american statue?

..

"statue?"

 

[omgjenchu]

What's faster than a speeding bullet?

An Asian with a coupon.


(heh, there's so much truth to that! )

 

[katietheskatie]

there's an american, a canadian and an australian in the bar having a drink. the american finishes his beer, throws his glass in the air and shoots it with his gun. he says 'in america, we have so much money that we never have to drink out of the same glass twice'. so the australian finishes his beer, throws his glass in the air as well, shoots it and says 'well in australia, we have so much sand to make glass from that we never have to drink from the same one twice'. so the canadian drinks the rest of his beer, throws his glass in the air and shoots the american. the canadian turns to the australian and says 'in canada, we have so many americans that we never have to drink with the same one twice'.

lol