Best+Worst of Teacher Quotes and Habits (2 Viewers)

[Leelabob]

Geography teacher: (this happens almost every single lesson)
"Which one's the play button?"

i love how my english teacher always tries to turn on the tv before shes plugged it in or when she pushes eject on the dvd player gets impatient pushes it again and it closes.
and then one day my history teacher was trying to get a video to play and then she goes "oh it would help if i put it in wouldn't it". it was sitting on top of the player

 

[ongitsanjali]

my english teacher was talking about how how she never got depressed during her pregnancy:

"i was making a little baby... and i thought i was so clever!"

 

[supernerdattack]

English teacher to all boys class:
"It's not my job to turn you on" (she was saying that we should listen on our own). Then we were talking about it in our German class and the German teacher said "well, she is a pretty young thing. She probably does anyway"

A teacher when I was in Germany on exchange told a girl she should get more boyfriends.
A teacher that went with us: "If it's foggy you won't see a single Alp"

My legal studies teacher calls Cronulla football club "the rapists".

My English teacher epically summarizes As You Like It, throwing in "Belonging" every couple of sentences.

There was a school dance themed "What's your flava?" and the teacher reading the bulletin said "The next dance's theme is "what's your flah-vah?'" and we said "you mean flavour?" and she said "no, it says 'flah-vah'"

My history teacher last year was pretty bad:
"Dr Evatt was a man"
"This is Vietnam" *points at England on the map*
"I haven't written you're report yet, I'm only up to P" Girl: "My last name is Norton"
"How many E's are there in China?"
She can't spell rabbit - on various occasions it was written rabitt, rabit, rabbitt

 

[roar84eighty]

Mr. Kim Catch Phrase: "Now we are ready to integrate!"

 

[burger125]

Mean Maths Teacher said to Irritating Student "I have forgotten more maths than you will ever learn son"

Bad Habits – A Geography Teacher – in a 40 minute lesson said over 50 ‘nows’ and over 40 ‘OKs’

thats nothing in a leason our religion teacher cracked a wopping 110 "shhh" 's
everything is silent and yet she still says it, LOL

 

[AlphabetSoup]

Not a teacher quote, but funny anyway:

Girl hosting talent fest while lights were dimmed: And now we have a song called "[Whatever the song was called, idk]" by Jessica C**t ...I mean Jessica Cant.


Student 1: *talking about music* I play the guitar, piano, saxophone and trumpet.
Student 2: Well I play...the spoons.
Student 3: Yeah, I can play the spoons, we should have a spoons concert!
Teacher: Come on now, we don't want any spooning between you two in the class...I mean...um...get on with your work!

Student 1: *talking about english teacher* He's a complete idiot! He can't spell and he keeps telling us to beat the system!
Student 2: Yeah, he smells funny as well.
Same teacher as above: Who? Mr [blank]? Yeah he's a total dickhead...um...no, I meant...get on with your work!

(She has a habit of this)



Also our geog teacher drew a really lame joke on the board:

He drew a hill. On one side of the hill was a man running, at the top of the hill was a man going to the toilet and on the other side of the hill was a man smiling and walking away. Can you guess their nationalities? The man running was Russian, the man on the toilet was European and the man walking away was Finnish.
He laughed for 10 minutes (no joke) after he told it.

 

[possessionless]

in bio the other day my teacher left her phone on the back table and was up the front helping a few of us with a prac... it rang really loudly and everyone just stopped and looked at her. she looked back at us and said "well what are you doing? answer it! it might be important, i'm waiting for a call!" like it was the obvious thing to do. one of the guys looked around then picked it up and answered it with "um, hello?" he listened then said "nah man, this is james. she's teaching our bio class. can i take a message?"
hilarious.

LMAO thats hilarious!

 

[hermand]

My legal studies teacher calls Cronulla football club "the rapists".

more like bulldogs/manly. how does cronulla fit into it?

 

[evilflic]

Yesterday, my old Modern History teacher (dropped it last year cos I had too many units) was our exam supervisor for Extension 2 Maths. Everyone in the room was doing the Extension 2 exam, but there were about 7 people on the side of the room who were doing the Mathematics (2u) exam, as they didn't fit in any of the rooms where all the other Mathematics people were doing their exam.
Hilarity ensued.
(Upi = the teacher)

Upi: Okay, General Maths girls, you have exactl-
Jackie: GENERAL MATHS?! We do two unit! Jeez Upi! My self esteem just dropped from the ceiling to the floor!
Upi: I'm not going to make any snide remarks about what it was doing up there in the first place.

Anna: Um, we need integral sheets before we start...
Upi: What's an integral?
*someone goes and draws one on the board for her*
Upi: Why can't you draw them yourself, girls?

LOL. our teachers generally have pretty hilarious comments... we keep track of them on a big list in our common room, and most people have heaps compiled in their diaries. We're gonna put them all together at the end of the year. I still have dozens from Year 11 lol.

 

[Butt Rayge]

Male chemistry teacher, trying to explain to guys what childbirth would be like: Imagine trying to pull your scrotum over your face....

 

[AlphabetSoup]

more like bulldogs/manly. how does cronulla fit into it?

Dude...Manly hasn't been proven. DNA came back negative and there are so many holes in their plot. Manly doesn't (yet) fit into that category either. I'm not counting it out, and I know that if he did it, he should be punished, but lets not accuse him before its been proven.

(This is coming from a Souths supporter, so I'm not just a die-hard Manly-fan trying to stick up for them)

P.S Go Souths!

 

[possessionless]

Male chemistry teacher, trying to explain to guys what childbirth would be like: Imagine trying to pull your scrotum over your face....

LOL! & you were talking about childbirth in chemistry...why? hahaha

 

[AlphabetSoup]

Be careful, this may be the lamest pun you've ever heard:

Science Teacher: *having told us nine lame puns already* Mahatma <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas:contacts" /><st1:Sn w:st="on">Gandhi</st1:Sn>, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. *bursts into laughter*
*Class remains silent*
Teacher: Oh come on, you're telling me none of you found that funny?
*Class still remains silent*
Teacher: No one?
Me: Let me put it this way. You just told us ten different puns, hoping that at least one of them would make us laugh. And let's just say, no pun in ten did.

Hahaha, the class laughed for so long and even earned a smile from the teacher.

 

[possessionless]

Yesterday, my old Modern History teacher (dropped it last year cos I had too many units) was our exam supervisor for Extension 2 Maths. Everyone in the room was doing the Extension 2 exam, but there were about 7 people on the side of the room who were doing the Mathematics (2u) exam, as they didn't fit in any of the rooms where all the other Mathematics people were doing their exam.
Hilarity ensued.
(Upi = the teacher)

Upi: Okay, General Maths girls, you have exactl-
Jackie: GENERAL MATHS?! We do two unit! Jeez Upi! My self esteem just dropped from the ceiling to the floor!
Upi: I'm not going to make any snide remarks about what it was doing up there in the first place.

Anna: Um, we need integral sheets before we start...
Upi: What's an integral?
*someone goes and draws one on the board for her*
Upi: Why can't you draw them yourself, girls?

LOL. our teachers generally have pretty hilarious comments... we keep track of them on a big list in our common room, and most people have heaps compiled in their diaries. We're gonna put them all together at the end of the year. I still have dozens from Year 11 lol.

hahaha i like that one

 

[jessycar]

My modern History teacher used to come up with some of the most hilarious quotes. Let me give you a picture for your inquisitive young minds. This guy is about 7ft tall, bald, and enjoys terrorizing year 7 kids then joking about it with his senior classes.

Teacher: What did America take away from Japan? Starts with O ends in il.
Student: Rice?
Teacher. Well done! Rice! No oil you dipstick.

Later in the year, during an animated discussion around the aftermarth of WW1

Teacher: There's still bomb experts working all the time in france at the somme. Why? Because farmers were hootin, scootin and bootin then POW! There's still heaps of unexploded bombs from 1917!

I wish all of you could have been in my HSC modern history class for those 2 moments.

 

[Bekarzi]

Mine are all scenarios...

English:

• One year the teacher walked up to the back of the class, farted, walked away and let the guys take the blame...
  (we know because she admitted to it later)

• We had to read the Ugly Duckling one day, and it was blatantly implied Bryce would know how it feels to be ugly.
  After we finished reading the teacher says "Now, we all understand the moral of the story is that if you call someone ugly you will die."
  Everyone just stares at her and laughs. She hangs her head in shame.

• My group was around the table laughing about the newspaper, and all you hear is the teacher saying "Girls! Stop looking at the s-s-s-s-s-s-sex ads!!"

• The english teach who put us on "Detension"

Art:

• Teach _ "Girls, stop wasting time and draw the stencils of food like I asked."

She walks away, Ash and I start drawing Spider Pig and humming the corresponding tune

Teach _ "I said to draw food, that is NOT food!"
Ash _ "Yes it is!"
Teach _ "Spider pig is NOT food!"
Ash _ "Where do you think BACON comes from?!"

*We got sent out and up to the head teacher*

Head Teach _ *laughs* "Good to see you rebelling girls, come in..."
​

Maths:

• Ms Jacoby to Ashley _ "I've given up on you."

• Ashley _ "I don't understand..."
  Mr Layton _ "Have you read the sheets?"
  Ashley _ "What sheets?"
  Layton *picks up paper and hits ashley over the head with it*

Legal:

• I pointed out to my teacher that plea bargains are NOT just a sign of a weak defence and they can serve a purpose such as, for example, a bribe to gain information about a criminal network from a cornered source. His response?
  "You've outsmarted me again..."

• We had a very narrow minded Sub. one day - and for nearly an hour, all we heard was "My opinion is..."
  When she went to write the notes up on the board, they were all her points of view and noone elses.
  
  I snapped and burst into a vocal rage.
  I managed to destroy every argument she put forward as her 'opinion' and make sure she stood there and absorbed every argument other people had put forward, including myself.
  
  When I stopped everyone was still looking at me in a kind of shock and appreciation. Laura quietly asks "Have you considered being a lawyer..?"
  
  The old teacher came back and asked who gave the Sub. a tongue lashing - apparently the Sub. applauds my intelligence...

Bio:

• Teach _ "How many amino acids are there?"
  *silence in the class*
  Me _ "Twenty."
  Teach _ *blank stare*
  "I can't remember... thats stupid, asking a question I dont know the answer to..."
  *Checks book*
  "Yes, you're right its 20. I'm glad someone remembers these things..."

There are so many more that are so funny but you have to be there... and I fail at remembering them right now...

 

[meilz92]

My legal studies teacher calls Cronulla football club "the rapists".

thats hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[AlphabetSoup]

Mine are all scenarios...

English:

• One year the teacher walked up to the back of the class, farted, walked away and let the guys take the blame...
  (we know because she admitted to it later)

• We had to read the Ugly Duckling one day, and it was blatantly implied Bryce would know how it feels to be ugly.
  After we finished reading the teacher says "Now, we all understand the moral of the story is that if you call someone ugly you will die."
  Everyone just stares at her and laughs. She hangs her head in shame.

• My group was around the table laughing about the newspaper, and all you hear is the teacher saying "Girls! Stop looking at the s-s-s-s-s-s-sex ads!!"

• The english teach who put us on "Detension"

Art:

• Teach _ "Girls, stop wasting time and draw the stencils of food like I asked."

She walks away, Ash and I start drawing Spider Pig and humming the corresponding tune

Teach _ "I said to draw food, that is NOT food!"
Ash _ "Yes it is!"
Teach _ "Spider pig is NOT food!"
Ash _ "Where do you think BACON comes from?!"

*We got sent out and up to the head teacher*

Head Teach _ *laughs* "Good to see you rebelling girls, come in..."
​

Maths:

• Ms Jacoby to Ashley _ "I've given up on you."

• Ashley _ "I don't understand..."
  Mr Layton _ "Have you read the sheets?"
  Ashley _ "What sheets?"
  Layton *picks up paper and hits ashley over the head with it*

Legal:

• I pointed out to my teacher that plea bargains are NOT just a sign of a weak defence and they can serve a purpose such as, for example, a bribe to gain information about a criminal network from a cornered source. His response?
  "You've outsmarted me again..."

• We had a very narrow minded Sub. one day - and for nearly an hour, all we heard was "My opinion is..."
  When she went to write the notes up on the board, they were all her points of view and noone elses.
  
  I snapped and burst into a vocal rage.
  I managed to destroy every argument she put forward as her 'opinion' and make sure she stood there and absorbed every argument other people had put forward, including myself.
  
  When I stopped everyone was still looking at me in a kind of shock and appreciation. Laura quietly asks "Have you considered being a lawyer..?"
  
  The old teacher came back and asked who gave the Sub. a tongue lashing - apparently the Sub. applauds my intelligence...

Bio:

• Teach _ "How many amino acids are there?"
  *silence in the class*
  Me _ "Twenty."
  Teach _ *blank stare*
  "I can't remember... thats stupid, asking a question I dont know the answer to..."
  *Checks book*
  "Yes, you're right its 20. I'm glad someone remembers these things..."

There are so many more that are so funny but you have to be there... and I fail at remembering them right now...

Sounds like my bio teacher. Hahaha.

 

[Randomist]

A student falls over when walking up the steps to speak on assembly about army cadets...
Supervising teacher: Ladies and gentlemen, you have all seen how well these young men have been trained - that was a beautiful leopard crawl right there, just magnificent!

A student in chemistry: So what about oxygen oxide?

Canteen lady: Do you want your pizza cut in 6 slices or 8?
Student: 6, please... I don't think I could fit 8 in.

Teacher: So which question comes after question 8?
Student: Is this is exercise 5:10 or 5:11?
Teacher: Actually, I'm pretty sure it's 9 in both...

Reason for lateness (actually written on school late note):
I had my iPod in, didn't notice anyone leaving the library, so I didn't hear the bell

Another reason for lateness written on a late note:
Late

In 3 unit maths:
Student: I've found a number... it's less than negative four but greater than 10!

In English Extension:
Teacher: What is humanism?
Student: The belief that we are human

In Religion Studies:
Teacher: What is materialism?
Me: The belief in the value of material objects
Teacher: Very good
Student: That sounds like my mum... she's hell into sewing!

English teacher: Football provides an outlet for repressed homosexual impulses...

(Reading Macbeth, where play says 'they were suborn'd')
Student: (in Scottish accent) They were too sunburnt...

In Physics:
Student: Would a tsunami be worse at low tide or high tide?
Teacher: Yes

Teacher: I wonder if Mrs Cooper is in his office...

In 3 unit maths:
Student: The answer is 0.01, so you round it down to 2

Student: Did Atlantis send forces to the Vietnam War?

Physics teacher subbing for English: Why didn't Romeo and Juliet just text each other and say 'Let's get together for a shag'?

Physics teacher: I put it to you that there are dirt-eating tigers who enjoy the warm weather on Venus...

Physics teacher: Yes, I do find cutting edge physics sexy...

Physics teacher (in same lesson): Those kids look at Playboy for the same reason as they look at National Geographic - they like looking at places they're never gonna get to...

Maths teacher: It looks like you can cancel... but it isn't!

Physics teacher: Gary Hypotenuse, what was his name?
Everyone else: Pythagoras
Physics teacher: Yeah, he was actually a nutter, and did funny things to goats.... on the island of Samos

Surds in year 9:
Maths teacher: So I was over at a student's place on the weekend, teaching her unreal roots...

 

[Randomist]

Another classic:

Maths Teacher: (talking about a student who just left the room) That kid's an asymptote - no matter how close he gets to a girl, she will never touch him...