nichhhole
asndihsCfuckingansbdiuahd
Thanks!DownInFlames said:
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BOS Showcase: 2007 Major Works (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter kewlu
- Start date
Tulipa
Loose lips sink ships
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2004
- Messages
- 1,922
- Gender
- Female
- HSC
- 2005
I decided to read through the two poets work and see what the newest crop of poetic kiddies are doing. I wasn't surprised. That's not an insult, just something I've observed over the past two-three years of reading local teenagers work. The formatting thing kind of detracted from the read in places for both of you. That was the least surprising aspect of both of your works. Unfortunately it's something that a lot of people are experimenting with at the moment and overdosing on it can overshadow some of the meaning of your poetry at hand. Either way, I'll let you both know what I thought of your work.
holden4ever89:
"Test Drive" confused me.
Wouldn't have minded longer line breaks for "Possession", there was something lost in the disconnection of the short lines.
I liked "Fetch a Moonlight Beat" but I wish it was just left aligned. That poem would've worked fine like that, the shape didn't really do that much.
"Cruise Control, Paraphernalia" - hated the capitals, they were a blight on the page. Just didn't work to create anything at all in that piece. Loved the couplet ending however.
I really enjoyed "Mary’s Poppin Pills" The conversational tone worked particularly well in that piece.
"I would have answered your letter sooner, but you didn’t send one" best title in the piece. Some of the imagery in that piece falls a little flat: "where we lay like fallen angels" and the color accumulation didn't quite work but again your ending seems to save the poem a little.
"Petrol gauge eating ‘E’" only piece where the formatting did work but because you had used so much previously it doesn't stand out as much as it should. Didn't like how the title was a line from the poem but I never do. "The ebony street," - didn't work.
"Cleo’s Non-Arrival " I wanted a better title for something so short, something more elaborate and telling. Extraordinarily iffy about the bolded, bracketed section at the bottom. The succinct poem worked well by itself.
"Log-in" was the one of the most original contemporary poems that I've read in a while. It worked well but uust quit with the formatting there.
"NRMA" was cute, acrostic poem used for something quirky.
"Phone Voice Message No.1 " almost too simplistic, it felt empty. Just a line or two more, a phrase of something heavier would've lent itself to this.
"000" ending is great but the previous conversation isn't quite meshed together as well as it could be. Cleo is too poetic, the operator too statically real.
I like the ending but would've much preferred it as a static, two line couplet to be blank and bland because the words say so much more.
Finally, you use too much EE Cummings referencing. Not in a bad way but I wish kids would read someone else and love them too.
Amez...: ... can I come back to you? I will though. I promise. I just need another half hour of reading time to read through the whole piece.
holden4ever89:
"Test Drive" confused me.
Wouldn't have minded longer line breaks for "Possession", there was something lost in the disconnection of the short lines.
I liked "Fetch a Moonlight Beat" but I wish it was just left aligned. That poem would've worked fine like that, the shape didn't really do that much.
"Cruise Control, Paraphernalia" - hated the capitals, they were a blight on the page. Just didn't work to create anything at all in that piece. Loved the couplet ending however.
I really enjoyed "Mary’s Poppin Pills" The conversational tone worked particularly well in that piece.
"I would have answered your letter sooner, but you didn’t send one" best title in the piece. Some of the imagery in that piece falls a little flat: "where we lay like fallen angels" and the color accumulation didn't quite work but again your ending seems to save the poem a little.
"Petrol gauge eating ‘E’" only piece where the formatting did work but because you had used so much previously it doesn't stand out as much as it should. Didn't like how the title was a line from the poem but I never do. "The ebony street," - didn't work.
"Cleo’s Non-Arrival " I wanted a better title for something so short, something more elaborate and telling. Extraordinarily iffy about the bolded, bracketed section at the bottom. The succinct poem worked well by itself.
"Log-in" was the one of the most original contemporary poems that I've read in a while. It worked well but uust quit with the formatting there.
"NRMA" was cute, acrostic poem used for something quirky.
"Phone Voice Message No.1 " almost too simplistic, it felt empty. Just a line or two more, a phrase of something heavier would've lent itself to this.
"000" ending is great but the previous conversation isn't quite meshed together as well as it could be. Cleo is too poetic, the operator too statically real.
I like the ending but would've much preferred it as a static, two line couplet to be blank and bland because the words say so much more.
Finally, you use too much EE Cummings referencing. Not in a bad way but I wish kids would read someone else and love them too.
Amez...: ... can I come back to you? I will though. I promise. I just need another half hour of reading time to read through the whole piece.
bumhead
Random Insults
Here is my MW and RF. Enjoy everyone
Title: "Nowhere to Hyde''
Medium: Short Story
Title: "Nowhere to Hyde''
Medium: Short Story
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princy
Member
Wow, thank you!greycats said:
I appreciate that you read the whole thing and you are one of the first to comment on my use of the images. The psychologist thing has taken nearly everyone who has read it a while to figure out who it is and I think I like it that way. I makes people think and keeps them reading. I am just glad that you didn't ask me any complicated questions about it, people have asked things that I honestly do not know how to answer, because I am not entirely sure myself.
I am glad that you liked it!
^5
bumhead
Random Insults
kewlu said:
lol i know XD
much better than the vb he was going to have
princy
Member
I read and I enjoyed it, I liked it from the beginning. Was that your final copy, because I did notice a few spellings errors and grammar errors, but I enjoyed to concept and the links to Alice in Wonderland.lm4eb said:
[Okay, well, I’ve read through yours just then. I think it’s fairly well written, the style is engaging for the most part – sometimes it felt a bit disperse and perhaps even lost. But as I said..on the whole it’s well written. The fragmentation was at times jarring and awkward for me, like there were times when it worked well and that was great, but just a few times where it felt forced and almost contrived – it didn’t achieve your purpose (maybe it does…RS). Before I say anymore, I’d like to read your RS though…so please chuck that up there sometime and let me know. You’ve got some really good sections in there, I’m just saying that at times I didn’t feel ‘engaged’ such as Lux’s letter, just simply because I don’t think that’s how the letter would’ve been written – I didn’t find the voice genuine enough, it’s an important part, I just don’t think she’d write a letter like that..ah well…that’s just me. And not because I’m a guy, it was the blunt and not subtle at all bit about I rescued you from the darkness of your uncle, my name is light..i dunno, not my thing.lm4eb said:
But yeah, you should be happy with your MW – you write well. After I’ve read your RS I’ll let you know what else I thought (I wanna know how you wanted to use Carroll and such).
It’s not really a style I’d read normally, I also can’t remember Alice in Wonderland from my youth…so maybe I’m not the best person to be commenting on it. It’s pretty personal yeah? Cause I think some of the insights are really good, like the relationship between cassie (you?) and lux is well developed in the story and it’s intriguing
What are you aiming for with it? What have others said (both where you’re heading marks wise and just generally)?
But yeah, you write well.
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bumhead
Random Insults
o please do mine as well
(personally i think mine is horrible)
(personally i think mine is horrible)
emily-jayne
New Member
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2007
- Messages
- 2
- Gender
- Female
- HSC
- 2007
ok! all done and finished! finally!
I hope everyone went well with theirs and was happy with the final product!
Here is the transcript and reflection statement of my major work - the first ever speech posted on BOS (well at least the first one i can find ^^)
Enjoy! Bon Appetite!
I hope everyone went well with theirs and was happy with the final product!
Here is the transcript and reflection statement of my major work - the first ever speech posted on BOS (well at least the first one i can find ^^)
Enjoy! Bon Appetite!
bumhead
Random Insults
i started reading yours.. then i realised i had to much shit on my plate at the moment lol...starrysky said:
freaking music performance HSC exam next week
hey thanks! it was the final copy with those mistakes taken out lol...i thought i was finally finished and then gave it to my boyfriend to read, and then he found all these little spelling errors etc so i was like :0 and fixed them haha.princy said:I read and I enjoyed it, I liked it from the beginning. Was that your final copy, because I did notice a few spellings errors and grammar errors, but I enjoyed to concept and the links to Alice in Wonderland.
im glad you enjoyed it