laurenmissy7
New Member
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2006
- Messages
- 20
- Gender
- Undisclosed
- HSC
- 2006
right, so i'm absolutey awful at creative writing. In fact this is the first short story i've ever written.
My problem with it is that I'm not sure if it effectively talks about journeys... or just my rambling. More at the bottom
If anyone has any suggetions 9or you could just tell me it's crap and i'll scrap it) that'll be great. Here goes...
----
“If I could only shrink myself
and sink through your skin to your blood cells
Remove whatever makes you hurt,
but I am too weak to be your cure”*
Neither the time nor the place – I try to ignore the worrying looks cast my way as I slide down the wall to the floor of the sterile corridor outside your room, music in my ears.
The iPod generation, I wonder if you would approve.
I’d like to think so. A lifetime of 94 years - two world wars, a depression, man on the moon and the swinging sixties (Will I be so blessed?)
You’ve seen it all. You know how the times change. And you know me. And while the others stare disapprovingly, I know that you understand.
Memories flood my mind, both fond and distressing. I curse my treacherous body as the tears well up in my eyes, just as I promised myself they wouldn’t.
---
“Does anybody remember back when you were very young. Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?”*
As I exit the bathroom and the cool air comes into contact with my damp face, I think to myself that perhaps I’m being just a touch self-indulgent. Everyone has their time, and you certainly haven’t wasted yours.
I think back to a scenario that seems to have played out hundreds of times over the last few years.
--- We both sit in your lounge room, yourself so immersed in another story of your youth that you barely notice my own fascination. ---
I know those stories so well now that I could probably recite most of them myself from memory
---
I enter your room and am surprised to find you wide-awake and staring out the window at the pale-blue afternoon. You smile slightly and motion for me to sit by your bed.
I learned long ago the redundancy of idle chitchat – “So how have you been”. Your reply was always a short “Not too bad,” followed quickly by “And how are you? How’s mum and dad?” that told me you were lying through your teeth. Besides, with your hearing almost gone, it was all I could do to sit and listen.
So that’s what I did. I’d listen as you chronicled your life for me. Stories of your world travels, you life in India with Bill (Da – the great-grandfather I hardly remember), what it felt like to see your grandchildren have grandchildren. I’d listen with scepticism unknown to you as you insisted that the ‘Lord’ would return and build a kingdom on our Earth.
Your voice brings me out of my reverie and back to the present
You ask how I’m going with my studies, (“ah, the ever present HSC, always looming on the horizon”)
Predictably, then comes the sure story of how Da came to pass his mining certificate. A story that I don’t mind hearing at least one more time.
Somewhere between “Bill always said that studying was useless unless you did it by the clock…” and “… And he was the youngest and first person in 21 years to pass their mining certificate on their first try,” I notice that your gaze has shifted from the darkening landscape to me.
I never get tired of your tales. You’ve led such a remarkable life and each story has a purpose, knowledge that you wish to impart upon those willing to listen.
Though your pointed gaze makes me nervous, I listen intently for what you have to say.
“Come closer, child.” I lean forward to hear you, your voice barely a whisper. “You know that I’m very proud of you, you always do so well in your schooling.” It wasn’t a question, but I nod my response anyway.
“I need you to do something for me, I need you to promise…”
I lean closer still.
“I know that there is a lot of pressure on you to do well right now, but you have to promise that you won’t waste your life in the lead up to a goal that you may never reach. Study hard and make a good career for yourself, but know that spontaneity is the key to a fulfilling life. Sometimes you can’t question opportunities.”
The darkness that seems to have passed through the room is lifted and you smile at me, “Besides, you don’t want to get to my age and not have any stories to tell.”
---
* taken from the song Guernica by Brand New
--
My problems with it are: some parts are just really lame e.g. Memories flood my mind, both fond and distressing. I curse my treacherous body as the tears well up in my eyes, just as I promised myself they wouldn’t.
and
“I know that there is a lot of pressure on you to do well right now, but you have to promise that you won’t waste your life in the lead up to a goal that you may never reach. Study hard and make a good career for yourself, but know that spontaneity is the key to a fulfilling life. Sometimes you can’t question opportunities.”
any ideas what i could replace these with maybe/or not
basically i just want to know if it's any good, i'm pretty bad at english
Thanks in advance
Lauren
P.S. I need this for towmorrow, so be quick if you can
My problem with it is that I'm not sure if it effectively talks about journeys... or just my rambling. More at the bottom
If anyone has any suggetions 9or you could just tell me it's crap and i'll scrap it) that'll be great. Here goes...
----
“If I could only shrink myself
and sink through your skin to your blood cells
Remove whatever makes you hurt,
but I am too weak to be your cure”*
Neither the time nor the place – I try to ignore the worrying looks cast my way as I slide down the wall to the floor of the sterile corridor outside your room, music in my ears.
The iPod generation, I wonder if you would approve.
I’d like to think so. A lifetime of 94 years - two world wars, a depression, man on the moon and the swinging sixties (Will I be so blessed?)
You’ve seen it all. You know how the times change. And you know me. And while the others stare disapprovingly, I know that you understand.
Memories flood my mind, both fond and distressing. I curse my treacherous body as the tears well up in my eyes, just as I promised myself they wouldn’t.
---
“Does anybody remember back when you were very young. Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?”*
As I exit the bathroom and the cool air comes into contact with my damp face, I think to myself that perhaps I’m being just a touch self-indulgent. Everyone has their time, and you certainly haven’t wasted yours.
I think back to a scenario that seems to have played out hundreds of times over the last few years.
--- We both sit in your lounge room, yourself so immersed in another story of your youth that you barely notice my own fascination. ---
I know those stories so well now that I could probably recite most of them myself from memory
---
I enter your room and am surprised to find you wide-awake and staring out the window at the pale-blue afternoon. You smile slightly and motion for me to sit by your bed.
I learned long ago the redundancy of idle chitchat – “So how have you been”. Your reply was always a short “Not too bad,” followed quickly by “And how are you? How’s mum and dad?” that told me you were lying through your teeth. Besides, with your hearing almost gone, it was all I could do to sit and listen.
So that’s what I did. I’d listen as you chronicled your life for me. Stories of your world travels, you life in India with Bill (Da – the great-grandfather I hardly remember), what it felt like to see your grandchildren have grandchildren. I’d listen with scepticism unknown to you as you insisted that the ‘Lord’ would return and build a kingdom on our Earth.
Your voice brings me out of my reverie and back to the present
You ask how I’m going with my studies, (“ah, the ever present HSC, always looming on the horizon”)
Predictably, then comes the sure story of how Da came to pass his mining certificate. A story that I don’t mind hearing at least one more time.
Somewhere between “Bill always said that studying was useless unless you did it by the clock…” and “… And he was the youngest and first person in 21 years to pass their mining certificate on their first try,” I notice that your gaze has shifted from the darkening landscape to me.
I never get tired of your tales. You’ve led such a remarkable life and each story has a purpose, knowledge that you wish to impart upon those willing to listen.
Though your pointed gaze makes me nervous, I listen intently for what you have to say.
“Come closer, child.” I lean forward to hear you, your voice barely a whisper. “You know that I’m very proud of you, you always do so well in your schooling.” It wasn’t a question, but I nod my response anyway.
“I need you to do something for me, I need you to promise…”
I lean closer still.
“I know that there is a lot of pressure on you to do well right now, but you have to promise that you won’t waste your life in the lead up to a goal that you may never reach. Study hard and make a good career for yourself, but know that spontaneity is the key to a fulfilling life. Sometimes you can’t question opportunities.”
The darkness that seems to have passed through the room is lifted and you smile at me, “Besides, you don’t want to get to my age and not have any stories to tell.”
---
* taken from the song Guernica by Brand New
--
My problems with it are: some parts are just really lame e.g. Memories flood my mind, both fond and distressing. I curse my treacherous body as the tears well up in my eyes, just as I promised myself they wouldn’t.
and
“I know that there is a lot of pressure on you to do well right now, but you have to promise that you won’t waste your life in the lead up to a goal that you may never reach. Study hard and make a good career for yourself, but know that spontaneity is the key to a fulfilling life. Sometimes you can’t question opportunities.”
any ideas what i could replace these with maybe/or not
basically i just want to know if it's any good, i'm pretty bad at english
Thanks in advance
Lauren
P.S. I need this for towmorrow, so be quick if you can
