Creative Writing Piece, a little help (1 Viewer)

[rexy2481]

This is what i have so far. Any criticism is welcome. PLEASE!

Energy and shear determination crackled through my wasted hands as I saw the big, scary security guard standing there so mindless and robotic. All I could hear was the ecstatic buzzing and changing aura of the festival roaring with thousands of people having fun, having the time of their lives.

In this timeless experience I decided incoherently that I need to get in amongst the vibrant crowd and because I am absent of a ticket the only way in is over the fence. After trekking around the circumference of the festival, eventually making my way back to what I thought was the easiest spot to scale the fence.

The fog started to vanish and it revealed two fences, two security guards and one ‘no mans land’. I thought to myself, why would the security guard care if I jumped the fence, I mean it was ‘sold out’, they weren’t making any more money.

There was a dead tree that stood right next to the fence and now the roar of the crowd was louder than ever. As I sat nervously in the tree, the two security guards communicated to each other pacing back and forth. My heart was bouncing inside my rib cage nearly knocking me out of the tree. From the tree I could see my favourite band playing and lights blazing in spectrums that can only be seen at a moment like this, and the toilet block were looked the easiest to sneak in.

One of the big fat Maori security guards went to the port-a-loo and I thought to myself that.



Its just a start.






TAGS

 

[morganforrest]

Band 3/4

Fairly limited range of expression. At times you use boring descriptions such as 'big, scary' and at other times you go way over the top with the adjectives. You need to strike a balance between descriptive writing and short punchy lines.

Secondly, it takes waaaaay too long to get into it. In fact I'm not really feeling compelled to read on. With such a short time to get into the plot, you really need to cut down irrelevant paragraphs. First question you should ask is, does it contribute to the story? If not cut it.

Imo this can go

In this timeless experience I decided incoherently that I need to get in amongst the vibrant crowd and because I am absent of a ticket the only way in is over the fence. After trekking around the circumference of the festival, eventually making my way back to what I thought was the easiest spot to scale the fence.

The fog started to vanish and it revealed two fences, two security guards and one ‘no mans land’. I thought to myself, why would the security guard care if I jumped the fence, I mean it was ‘sold out’, they weren’t making any more money.

If you're aiming for the high bands your creative writing piece needs to be markedly different to the 60,000 others they read. You need an idea that they haven't heard before, or that's addressed in a different way. It also needs to be extremely well expressed. (Because in reality, it's difficult to come up with an idea they've never heard before)

For example, take an ordinary scene about a guy shaving.

Now

My hand shook as the razor rasped across my face, the polished steel in front of me blurring my reflection. Silence pounded my earlobes, forcing me to gasp for air. I tried a guess at the time, but found myself chasing ideas around in my head. Time had become an irrelevant commodity in this place. In this place the usual questions of where am I and what time is it became irrelevant. Who am I was far more important. In this place souls were bought and sold, santiy lost and found.

To me that's far more interesting and I think would be more what they're looking for. You can use that as I start if you want, I only made it up then.

 

[DownInFlames]

If you are going to write that kind of a story it might be better to have a go at writing it in third person. It will allow you to display a broader range of language/ talent.


I found this point really useful: If you've picked the right verb, you shouldn't need to use an adjective unless you REALLY REALLY want to place emphasis on something.
(eg. instead of "vigorously washed" you would say "scrubbed.")

try to steer clear of sentences like "I thought to myself..." as it doesn't read well.


more soon: hang on a sec

 

[DownInFlames]

Energy and determination crackled through my fists as I spotted the security guard reclining, mindless and robotic, against the fence. I could hear the ecstatic buzz of the festival roaring with thousands of people having fun, having the time of their lives. (needs work. Make it fit your purpose avoid generic words ie. 'fun' and stereotypes such as 'time of their lives')

I decided that I need to get in amongst the crowd and because I am absent of a ticket the only way in is over the fence (you changed tense). After a hasty circumnavigation of the fence, I made my way back to what appeared to be the easiest place to scale the fence.

there's a start.

also, why was there energy and determination crackling through you in the beginning if you then decided in the second paragraph that you were going to jump the fence?

It seems like a good idea, but it needs some work.

 

[rexy2481]

Hmmm thankyou.
i suck at english.

TAGS.:wave::burn::mad1:

 

[DownInFlames]

Good Luck