lilsxcwog69 said:
You get 40 minutes. Why are you taking any longer?
lilsxcwog69 said:
Not really. On a whole what you're saying is good, it's just tone and verbosity you need to fix. I'd probably give it 9-10/15, purely because there's a lot of information given (I can tell you've taken more than 40 minutes to write this), and you talk sufficiently about technique.
You lose marks because of the informal, impersonal nature of the response and you lose marks because your thread is extremely simple, which shows little in the way of an evaluative response. You also lose marks because you draw no (or very few) connections between texts, which is vital to score top marks, and is written out in the AOS syllabus for anyone who challenges this. Integration and synthesis of texts is very important, and shows a greater depth of understanding over those who don't.
There are also numerous grammatical errors. While markers won't go nuts about these, it's a good idea to start now on learning how to write perfectly. Often the difference between 14 and 15 is the impression you give the marker (rather than any solid aspect of essay writing), and perfect grammar/structure is something easily done if practiced throughout the year.
A journey whether embarked on by foot or other means definitely leads an individuals mind to greater understanding.
This sentence that begins your essay is far too verbose, and the use of the word "definitely" lowers the tone of what you're writing to a less formal standard. "A journey, independent of its origin/medium, leads an individual's mind to greater understanding." (pick origin or medium, don't use both).
The journey itself makes room for the individual to reflect on the decisions they have made throughout their trip and the impacts it will have on them in the future.
Use of the word "trip" does what "definitely" did in your last sentence, clashes with the proper tone of an AOS essay. Change it. "Impacts" should be "impact", the following "it" should be "they" (decisions was plural). Remove "on them" completely, too verbose, easily assumed, again ruins formal tone.
The anthology Immigrant Chronicle by Peter Skrzynecki and more specifically his poems Feliks Skrzynecki, Leaving Home and A drive in the country represent this evolution of understanding throughout the journey. Also Journey to the Interior by Margaret Atwood and Journey Of The Magi by T.S Elliot along with Home Is Where The Heart Is by The John Butler Trio are further evidence of the understanding a journey may lead you to.
This can be removed entirely. You get zero marks for introduction of texts, and it takes ages to write. Introduce the medium/author when you use a text in the essay, don't throw them in your introduction.
In terms of the rest of your essay, what hopeles5ly and Riv have originally said is right. You need to tighten up every single sentence, getting rid of constant references to the journey (all the "it"s I find) and constant references to your thread. You must always stick to your thread in what you're saying, but you don't need to essentially quote it line-for-line at the beginning of each new point.
By the end of the poem Atwood has come to understand that her journey show be approached with much patience and cautiousness as he assures herself that whatever she does “I must keep my head” and stay on track until she has reached contentment on this journey
Sentences like this need major work, because I read this and become instantly confused as to where you're going, purely because of structure/grammar rather than any of your content. I assume "show" should be "should", "he" should be "she". You have to put that quote into 3rd person for it to fit into your essay, "..that whatever happens she "must keep [her] head" and stay on track..". Remove "on this journey" at the end of the paragraph. It's enitrely verbose and useless.
I could do this for the rest of the essay, but I won't, because you need to do it yourself otherwise you won't learn.
