Thank you all for your advice!! I'm feeling a lot better since i made this post...this was very helpful to read, thank you all dearly
Ive come to realise since that my desire to get a high atar was more due to external pressures as opposed to what i truly want...i love school a lot, i love every single one of my subjects by themselves but I'm not the sort of person who is very good at the memorisation and tests under timed conditions kind of thing. I panic, and my brain has about 3 squillion things going on in my head at once, and i cannot for the life of me hold on to any of them. Its frustrating, i have the memory of a squishy raisin!
I like to take my time with things...which is certainly not a very productive way to do things in the hsc. I am on the asd spectrum...this may be why, LOL! It leads to me learning some things in really awesome detail, but its unhelpful in terms of productivity.
I mean ill still do things under timed conditions, I'm ok with that! But for multiple subjects at once? Bah, i struggle with it. My teachers tend to joke that i am a bit intense about the research side of things...in a test i truly find it hard to move on unless i understand the question. Im not an efficient person, and that's ok - its an aspect of myself that's impossible to change for the hsc. And I'm a bit stubborn to change it if ill be honest. Going into huge depth into one subject, as opposed to just a little on multiple, is what i love. Which is why I'm excited for uni!
The HSC is only for NESA, Its only for a university...i got quite fancy results in year 11 so maybe SRS will work out! We shall see...
I am told by people that the hsc is something they expect of me to be high...clearly, if i love all my subjects, that should shine through in my atar? Which is why i feel quite guilty about this all.
I am just scared of people being disappointed.
But i have found it really helpful to ground myself, and to try and figure out whats important to me...not to expectations, or my perceived expectations, of others. Whats important to me is that, at the end of the hsc, i am learning something...be it about my subjects, or about organisation. Not necessarily what number i get.
I have come to much better terms with this all after looking at the hsc less as a reflection of how much i care about my subjects, but as a reflection of how i did on this particular year.
I still love to learn things. I don't want to give that up after the hsc. I want to keep at it until i am too old to read, lol. Thats whats important. I am a goo goo gaga baby in terms of how much more there is to learn...i cant wait to get back into it again.
HA. Nerd....amirite?