How's this sound to you? (1 Viewer)

[flaminwaffle]

This is the beginning of a creative writing piece ive just written based on belonging and i just wanted a judgement of the quality of my writing:

“But I really like you!”
“Stop following me! CREEP!”
Greg watched the girl storm off from a distance. He watched as the boy’s head flopped slowly downwards, as if tracing the pieces of his now shattered heart. A sensation of angry sadness built up inside Greg’s chest. This was the third time with the same girl. Why the hell was his brother like this? No time to think. “Greg, quit staring at the creepy kid and hurry the @*#% up!” Greg’s head shot up. The line of skaters had grown impatient.
Putting his weight on the board, he slid down the ramp.
“The creepy kid....” He repeated.



What do you guys think?

 

[00iCon]

I got 65 form english but heres my thoughts anyway
I think it's very applicable/realistic scenario.
Just write 'fuck' dw. or 'hell' fits too
Is there any significance of the ramp?
personally i hate skaters, and some markers might too.
GL finding an ending....

 

[lychnobity]

This is the beginning of a creative writing piece ive just written based on belonging and i just wanted a judgement of the quality of my writing:

“But I really like you!”
“Stop following me! CREEP!”
Greg watched the girl storm off from a distance. He watched as the boy’s head flopped slowly downwards, as if tracing the pieces of his now shattered heart. A sensation of angry sadness built up inside Greg’s chest. This was the third time with the same girl. Why the hell was his brother like this? No time to think. “Greg, quit staring at the creepy kid and hurry the @*#% up!” Greg’s head shot up. The line of skaters had grown impatient.
Putting his weight on the board, he slid down the ramp.
“The creepy kid....” He repeated.

What do you guys think?

Sounds like teenage angst to me.

I don't like it at all, markers are going to get bombarded with thousands of stories like this. Stereotypical, and shallow.

Poor concept.

 

[annabackwards]

sounds like teenage angst to me.

I don't like it at all, markers are going to get bombarded with thousands of stories like this. Stereotypical, and shallow.

Poor concept.

+1