sorry this is a bot off topic, but if u think its funny {or dont} pls remember that if yur screwing up english u can still do well....i stuffed english and still got 99+
An allegory on English
One late night, while struggling to finish a fucken English essay on the values and attitudes of context on textual integrity of Marxist interpretations of Lear I just stopped caring. I mean I’ve heard all those whingers going on about “when are we ever going to use this” in math, but seriously isn’t it even more true for English? Seriously, we don’t learn English; we learn some fucked up elitist babble. And the most frightening thing about it is that the English department has no idea how two faced or duplicitous the majority of the “good” English students are. In their essays they’ll fuken go on about the “human condition” and the turmoil of emotion elicited by the death of Cordelia, but three minutes later they’re fucking spanking the monkey over some fucken milf story on the net. English ain’t no test of ability, but a contest to see whose got the bigger thesaurus or who can come up with the most elaborate metaphors and similes and fucken techniques. Not all, but some of the English department fucken go over texts not act by act; not scene by scene; not line by line; but syllable by syllable. I feel like just fucking yelling and jumping out the window when they go on about heir fucken plosives and start demonstrating by poking their wrinkly tongues about how the word “the” has a plosive emphasis on the “E” sound.
I mean fucken complex numbers has more sense than English.
ENGLISH- pulp fiction style
THE SET UP: The mother of a struggling English student attends an interview with the Head of the English Department after the student; let’s say his name is Allen, has a letter sent home.
ED- English department witch/ M-allen’s mom
ED- hello Miss@ ………if that is your real name. Please sit. i think you’re gonna find when all shit is over, I think your gonna find yourself one smiling mother fucker.
M- ty. I’m very worried about Allen madam. Is he not listening in class?
ED- if that alone were the problem your physical journey to the school would not have been required.
M- Its no worry, I only live two minutes up the road so I pass by everyday
ED (standing up)- That, right there is the dilemma Miss@. It is this frivolous, flippant, offhand, cavalier, brusque mind-set towards the concept of the physical journey that your son is continuing to parade about with. He is like a briefcase without a handle, an owl without eyes, a mongoose without a tail. He art my flesh, my blood, or rather a disease that’s in my flesh…he art a boil, a plague sore, or embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood.
M- Sorry I didn’t catch your drift. Could you ex…
ED- don’t try to baffle me with your metaphors. If you don’t understand my so called “drift” (doing the quotation mark thingy with her fingers), maybe you should just “drift” along out of here you tainted palindrome
M- I don’t get it. How am I palindrome?
ED-I’m…I’m sorry miss@. It’s just that when discussing English I get very emotive and it brings up memories of my boyfr… ex boyfriend rather Harry Yrrah………he’s from sweden.
M-OK. Yeh, well I brought this essay my boy wrote in the exam from two weeks ago. Could you tell me what’s wrong with it? He isn’t sure what areas he needs to improve on
ED-ah yes…the essay. I remember it clearly.
M-do you? That’s amazing seeing as my son said that you had to mark all 200 essays in the grade
ED- actually 400-I had to do year 11 ones as well
M-isn’t that a bit difficult. Doesn’t it impair your ability to give the proper amount of time in marking each essay?
ED-its not the words I’m looking at Miss@. While to laymen’s eyes, this essay looks like a piece of paper with words written on it, to me, the significantly more trained and certified eye, I feel the essence of the essay. The presence, the imagery, the very values and attitudes behind the words, hidden in the ink.
M- Ah soh. Maybe you might have some ideas on how Allen could improve his essence
ED- . He lacks the purity in his essence and bodily fluids. his essay is far too generic, without flair, insight or any degree of sophistication. His essay fails to explore the values and attitudes of the context. I mean look at this line- gloucester paradoxically quotes I stumbled when I saw . Everybody in the whole grade wrote that. Do you know how annoying it is to read the same thing over and over again?
M- I see. But isn’t that quite an important line in the play?
ED- well yes, yes and no. Yes he was sellin it but no it wasn’t blow
M-huh
ED- oh sorry, this dam song is stuck in my head
M- no problem madam. Do you think maybe after classes you could help Allen out with his grammar. He struggles a little bit with that too
ED- how gracious of you to consider me Ms@. I and you, we’re just people trying to walk this earth, and if me and Allen can’t sort out this problem, than nobody can (fragment- consider revising)
M-that’s very grateful of you to help ou……..
ED (beginning to mark a year 11 assessment essay) -Oh I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?
M- umm… not really. What are you doing, might I ask?
ED- oh nothing, just marking this silly little essay
M- shouldn’t you do that in a more appropriate time?
ED- oh contraire les enfant, I couldn’t have chosen a more appropriate time. Usually I just mark these things before the 9.35 lotto draw……….(in a disturbing voice) one of these days I’ll escape this nefarious hell hole, the sulphuric acid of petulant, snot nosed brats continuously seeping into my skin. Mother said I could be a writer, but nooooooo, I’m stuck in this dead end job
M- You write?
ED(in a surprisingly cheerful voice)- actually I do. I’ve been trying to get my novel published, but no luck so far. You know what they say though- keep trying
M- what’s your story about
ED- well it’s really an experimental piece- I literally tried to subvert every known convention of language and genre, to produce my own style of writing
M- That’s another thing I meant to ask you about- my son says he keeps failing the creative writing section of crime fiction because he’s not subverting any conventions
ED- well subversion is important- it keeps the writing fresh
M- but isn’t crime fiction basically an exhausted genre- hasn’t every thing been done before?
ED(standing up)- that’s the stupidest excuse I ever heard. I can name 5 original plot lines off the top of my head
M-example
ED- Plot line 1-the story of a confused, slightly incontinent, up and coming writer, who travels around the world, trying to find out who broke her hymen. She could be accompanied by a talking gorilla
M-yeh……..
ED- plotline 2- the story of a scientologist detective who receives a mission from HQ that is so difficult and complex, you might just call it……IMPROBABLE
M- That sounds a bit like mission impossible
ED- forget about it Jake, it’s Chinatown
M-Ok I think I’ll just go now
ED- wait, do you read the bible Ms@?
M-no I’m Buddhist
ED-well there’s this passage I got memorized-Ezekial 25:17-“ the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequity of the selfish and the tyranny of the evil man; blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. (standing up and taking out a shotgun) And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is the lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee”
(Loads shotgun and shoots Ms@)
ED- that’s what I call fucking improbable