my major work (1 Viewer)

[nik]

ok, i've decided to do poetry, but i want advice...should i stick with it? i'll give a sample, tell me what you think


The Lachrymose Lady

Ride into the night
sidesaddle
Upon a noble stead
Lips torn
blistered
See
how the Lady
glistens

Your palm
Damp
with misgivings

See
how he does
make you bleed
Lachrymose Lady

Desolate Night
Your mouth
Full
of painful Cries
and
controlled Fear

The burning silence
Deep...
it binds you

But
You are the one I hear
Lachrymose Lady


it's about the legend of Lady Godiva. Thoughts? Is it completely crap? Alright? All criticisms will be accepted....Thanks!!!

 

[Grey Council]

poem itself is good, but what are you trying to achieve? Not saying it doesn't mean anything, im just saying that to properly judge whether you should stick with poetry or to give you some appropriate advice, we should know what you will be trying to show with your poetry. <-- whoa, uber long sentence.

 

[KarmaKitten]

who is lady godiva?

 

[Serpentia]

lady godiva is the chick who rode on a horse naked!!

will comment later

 

[rosie rose]

just an editorial note- "steed" not "stead"
sorry, am pedantic, i know
liked your imagery but what was your point?

 

[nik]

ok, sorry, should've thought about that!!! I'm basing my poetry on the misrepresentation of women throughout history. History is dominated by men, women are trapped. My working title is 'Familiar veils', a line from Mrs. Dalloway, Woolf. My point is that women are trapped my misrepresentation...my poetry will be based on various events and individuals who have been depicted in a biased way...adding a new perspective. Also, write about the traditional trappings of females...house duties, dresses, etc (Gwen Harwood).
Thanks for picking up on the spelling...it was accidental, in a rush yesterday!!!!

 

[Will_Sparky]

I thought it read well, but the thing ive heard about poetry is that you need a kick ass reflection statement! It often doesent matter what you do, but how you discuss it!

 

[nik]

thanks for the tip...it is very much appreciated!!! it figures, poetry is a very hard thing to mark because its open to interpretation!!!

 

[Serpentia]

Alright, I said before that I would comment, so I read through it

This is a pretty ordinary poem, I can see some potential, but you'll have to push yourself.

I don't understand why you would use that style................

and there are unnecessary lines that add nothing

such as line 2, line 5 (from stanza one) to name two.

Poetry is a condensed form of writing, therefore you should aim to have EVERY line, EVERY metaphor, every concept, every image etc, add to the meaning. If something does not add to the meaning, then you should ask yourself why it is there.

This poem is quite disjointed, with ambiguous characters (who is the you? what is the you doing there? and who is the he??? and what is he doing there?).

You have good vocab though, and on first reading this poem is alright, but I encourage you to push yourself.

anyway I don't mean to sound authorative, but I do quite a bit of commenting on poetry........

So all that I have just said might be bullshit, but it is informed bull shit

good luck



and I post my poetry on a site called Deviantart.com


It's a good site for getting/giving feedback, has taught me how to take an objective view of my own poetry, as well as given me good feedback and constructive criticism (which should always be welcomed).

If you get an account, or anyone else here, pm me and I'll definately take a look at your stuff

 

[picaresque]

i agree with serpentia. it's nothing terrible but nothing really grabs me about it on first reading. except that it doesn't make any sense - sometimes it feels as though you're trying too hard with the formation of your lines - why emphasise the 'and' in 'full of painful cries and controlled pain"? a lot of the imagery also goes nowhere - damp with misgivings and then you shift onto a 'he' breaking off the previous thread. but to the deliberate/pretentious cutting of lines - you are emphasising way too many words by having them on their own line and the effect is very scattered - what is important in this poem? what should the reader focus on? it's not completely crap but it does misuse a lot of poetic devices. mmm, the word would be lacklustre. i think if you keep trying and really research into the medium and what makes good poems 'work' (and it isn't erractically cutting your lines for effect) you will definitely improve.