[Official Critique Thread] (1 Viewer)

[AsyLum]

Originally posted by 1Time4thePpl
u obviously don't do drama a vast amount of research needs to be undertaken.
For my Group Project, I've filled up a 64 page book and we haven't even gotten 1/2 way through our performance.
My IP has about 200 pages of research

ROFL. yeah all my friends did theirs and i helped them fabricate most of their entries

 

[*Flutterby*]

Originally posted by sickwithlove
thanks guys 4 ur feedback so far - it has all been glued in the journal!!...this is the new end for my story...i'm pretty happy with this end, so let me know how it goes!!

sick with love
i so hope u dont think im a cow...
i thought ur story was great i think the beginnin and the middle was unreal the way u made the automatic assumption of schwartz is cool becaws thats wat i thought until i actually considered it.
i think that the second ending u posted is wayyy better then the first (no offence) and good luck

 

[asha_ramirez]

Ahh I shouldn't do this because I don't feel very comfortable with my work yet.. but here are 2 small parts of it. They aren't sequential... Feed back please!

I can feel it as I draw in, my lips surrounding it and inhaling its poison. It filters down my throat, burrowing deeper and turning black like velvet in my lungs. It clings to me as breathe it in, selfishly controlling me, it knows I will give into my desire, the desire is too strong to withstand. I light another. Its paper and poison burn and drop onto the floor, like a fragile bomb, spreading shards of ash like shrapnel in a war zone.
Darkness surrounds me, another blackout. You don't realise how much you rely on something until it is made absent. You create your own little microcosm based around the notion that certain elements of the urbanised world are reliable, and consistent. If this belief is made void, by events out of your control, it may threaten your entire existence, and simplistically transmogrify it into wax, wick and a burning reminder of times past, and the impending de-civilisation of our society which may occur as a result of this single, uncontrollable event. My cigarette shone out like a beacon in this darkness. A symbol for everything I stand for encased in poisoned tube.
----------------------------------------------------

Push me over the edges, suffocate my senses, I know you; your familiar stringent tone, you strip me defenceless. I stand in front of the mirror, the images reflected; I see you, I see through. I touch the reflection, powdered nails scratching at my face.

“Damage me, this is my consequence. I can feel you, always.”

I wipe away the line of blood which had fallen from my nose to my lip. How could I have let myself become this? Powder slides from the line on the bathroom floor to its destination inside me. I can feel the poison seeping into my body. It travels deeper, forming itself with my internal fluid, becoming thick like a sickening dough, weaving itself around me. Weighing me down with it’s addiction. I pick myself up from the floor, wiping the powder from my nostril. I walk into the hallway, stumbling, then marrying myself with the carpet; this will be my bed tonight.

 

[chandelier]

With 1Time4thePpl's story, i thought it was very intersting. Your story is complex, which the markers are looking for apparently, it's also different from the other work i've been reading (in a good way). My only criticism is that you might have too many charecters, i don't know if it's just me, but becuase of all the charecters and the fact aht it's a short story....i got confused at times and couldn't remember who is who. My own story had three charecters, and my teacher said it was too many to develop in a short space, so you might want to take a look at that. Just a suggestion, but you might want to leave some of the charecters anonymous and not name them.
With asha_ramirez's pieces, obviously i woudn't be able to judge your story or anything, but you definatley have a fantastic writing style. Your prose is really good.

 

[stazi]

thanks chandelier, I actually removed some characters recently and fully made the change over to Australia from Miami.
It's now only Henry and Sanchez.
Also, I didn't want to write in a highly compex stylistic way, as for what I'm trying to do - it just wouldn't work. I kept the story in a relatively simple structure with twists

 

[Lou_86]

asha_ramirez = i really like ur stream of consciousness style..i think it works really well, but dont know how easy it will be to sustain that through ur entire piece, however i havent read it so i wouldnt really know!!

"Darkness surrounds me, another blackout" = i think darkness surrounds me can be seen sort of as a cliche, it works alright in this context, but maybe u could change it slightly.

The descriptive language and the use of 2nd person was really really good and i enjoyed that bit heaps!! i think ur piece will be really effective!! goodluck w/ it!!

 

[asha_ramirez]

My entire story is cliched hunny! Hehe, but thanks for the feedback, =)

 

[AsyLum]

asha: just a suggestion, stream of conciousness seems to be very powerful when used with formatting.

just a suggestion

 

[asha_ramirez]

Yes, I agree, thanks for the suggestion =)

 

[velox]

Originally posted by Lou_86
asha_ramirez = i really like ur stream of consciousness style..i think it works really well, but dont know how easy it will be to sustain that through ur entire piece, however i havent read it so i wouldnt really know!!

"Darkness surrounds me, another blackout" = i think darkness surrounds me can be seen sort of as a cliche, it works alright in this context, but maybe u could change it slightly.

The descriptive language and the use of 2nd person was really really good and i enjoyed that bit heaps!! i think ur piece will be really effective!! goodluck w/ it!!

completely irrelevant, but you live in the same suburb as me....scary

 

[asha_ramirez]

lol wrx... Where in newcaslte do you live? Are you doing Ex 2 English?

 

[Llyrai]

" Push me over the edges, suffocate my senses, I know you; your familiar stringent tone, you strip me defenceless. " - WOW! i rekon thats really good. It falls into 'poetry' surely! The following lines are good too, the 2nd person works really well with the context, and really supports the state of mind youre trying to present. so i think that part is great.

The only thing i dislike about your post is thet first section of it. Theres just alot of repetition which i think is slightly unnecessary. Like, repetition is good to reinforce a idea, but the distance is minimal between cliche and reinforcement, so tread carefully when repeating ideas that you've already presented, lest the entire thing could become a bit cliche.

Its just my point of view.

 

[chandelier]

Hey Kids,
I've finished my story (well, i guess it's a draft, but i like to think i've finsihed) I can't post it up yet, but I would really appreciate some feedback.....so email or pm me and I'll send you my story....
Well at least this way I can differentiate between ppl who are actaully going to constructively review and people who just want to read it so they know that they're not the only student who's completely screwed...

 

[asha_ramirez]

I changed my a part of my story.. it originally read "Darkness surrounds me. Another blackout." This is the change... feedback please!

Silhouettes of my figure force themselves from the yellow flame, creating the surfaces of my room as their canvas, a continual artwork, fragmented like memories through the darkness of this blackout. You don't realise how much you rely on something until it is made absent.

 

[bitchymcbitch]

This is my ..... hmmm masterpiece...
im proud of it.. its finished.. well first draft anyways..|

tell me what you think yeah?

for anyone who would like to you can email me at: didievertellyou@msn.com

any advice/criticisms greatly appreciated.

 

[disfcuktional]

My ext 2 (a work in progess)

Hey Guys

Here's my *cough cough* masterpiece

there are two versions and i'm still contemplating which one to use. version one is shorter and i guess the ideas are a little less complex, and ver 2 has an extra 1000 words and besides that it had some other stuff that i dont really particularly like but i think it helps the story develop a little more.

due to my extended laziness, i managed to cough this up in about a months time so i'll be the first to say its not that well written, it still needs a lot of work. i'm just trying to get some words down so i can get the concept through and then work on it.

one of my downfalls in doing ext 2 is that i kept everything to msyelf. and i naturally think my work is shit, but its worst when it really is and you have nobody to tell you. it was really shocking at my viva voce 2 so yeh... distribution is good.

anyways any feedback will be and IS greatly appreciated. you can reach me at kellie04@the-edge.net.au otherwise replying in this forum is good too. anything...!

and never feel obligatd to euphamise your language!
I CAN HACK IT! LoL

xdisfcuktionalx

 

[disfcuktional]

here's the second ver:

 

[:: dreami ::]

would LOVE some feedback!

here it is

i left out the cover page which reads: "The Lurid Darkness"

 

[boz-foogle]

OPINIONS:
The Beast: excellent. the best story posted here.
Open the Envelope: moderately inventive but uninteresting. (i mean, come on, how long can you really sustain a story based on fucking cluedo. it's an incredibly flimsy basis with no real significance to anything.)
Cathedral of Chiarusko: this was a really good story, but, and i know that this is pedantic, but that simile about how "she was just a particle in the molecule that was her class" is absolutely abominable. it should be removed because it reflects nothing of the ability shown in the rest of the work.
Asha Ramirez's: cliched. horrible allusions. reads like terrible goth poetry.
Sancta Simplicatas: i really liked the innovative style, blending past, present and occasionally future. the theme of masochism could either be incredibly whiny/angsty/angry etc. or it could be deep and probing. i think that this walks a fine line between the two. the thrice lyrics certainly don't help the cause. i didn't really like it a hell of a lot as a story, but i can see that the ability is definitely there.
The Lurid Darkness: i don't know what i think of this. on the one hand, all three parts are incredibly cliched and offer nothing new or insightful, and the dialogue with all the "baby"s and "madame"s is really b-grade, but on the other hand, this is really well written and is interesting despite its unoriginal nature. i suppose that to most people, its readability would be the most important aspect, but it really does lack substance.

 

[vicburke]

if you are going to say "particle as part of a molecule" you should call the 'particle' and 'atom' as thats what it is - technically speaking anyway., just doesnt sound right calling her a particle.
apart from that it was great...loved it