Part 1
i) The following is an informal description provided by a student (Mr A)
“I'm quite a good student in my school, coming first at the moment. During the first assessment it was a written task, and I came equal second. I'm currently 15 years old, accelerating in Business Studies (doing the HSC course in year 11), I was born in Australia though my parents are a Chinese background. My school usually receives 5-10 band 6s in business studies ever since they implemented the accelerated course.”
See appendix 1 for the work sample
• the degree to which the text displays the student’s knowledge of the field
Mr A indicates knowledge of the technical aspects of business studies, and Mr A does attempt to provide a link between marketing objectives and marketing strategies when he says “To achieve their marketing objectives they develop marketing strategies through the marketing mix.”, with Chapman and Devenish (2011, n.p) saying “Marketing strategies are actions undertaken to achieve the business's marketing goals through the marketing mix” .
In this context, Mr A needs to state "objectives" in terms of what the airline wants to achieve. Also, they should be described in terms of the future eg. QANTAS' marketing objective is to position itself as the iconic Australian airline...".
Mr A uses a lot of jargon, for example:
“a $300 million total entertainment in-flight system”
“the exponential quality of its total product concept”
“to improve upon their physical evidence” (emphasis mine)
Is this evidence of cut and paste, or merely poor translations of reference material?

• the choice of text type
I think the text type used in the sample is a type of persuasive text. One writes persuasively, among
other reasons, to show that one can interpret information. The writing sample is an exposition (because of "evaluate the effectiveness of the marketing mix used by Quantas..."). Exposition is used to argue or persuade a case for or against a particular point of view. None of the other text types look appropriate, with discussion used to discuss both sides of an argument, and because there is no need for both sides of an argument, for this assignment, I will analyse the work sample as if it is an exposition.
• the stages of the text
Has the student structured the text so it achieves the social purpose effectively?
Expositions consist of three stages (and sometimes, a fourth)
• Thesis
• Supporting arguments
• Reinforcement of thesis,
• A background stage (to provide any background information the reader needs to understand
the arguments, the same can be said for discussions (Feez and Joyce, 1998, p. 138)).
It would seem pertinent, to start by clearly stating "Marketing objectives are...."; Mr A includes objectives after the introduction. In this context, Mr A could consider providing the reader with background in the form of marketing objectives.
Whilst objectives are somewhat covered, his thesis could be clearer, linking objectives with marketing mix, and how his paper would cover the effectiveness of Qantas' marketing mix in meeting their marketing objectives. Also, Mr A uses imprecise language in attempting to describe his thesis:
“Qantas aims to manage their total product concept from its introduction to its desired achievement
in a given time period.”. Also, I would expect objectives to be expressed in terms of the future, for example, QANTAS' marketing objective is to position itself as the iconic Australian airline... .
Mr A's essay sounds very much like a marketing pitch rather than a critique.
There is a lack of supporting arguments, and without an adequate thesis to begin, it is difficult to reinforce what has not been covered.
• the language features of the text (cohesion and grammar)
Has the student used the key language features of the text effectively?
Knapp and Watkins (2005) describe cohesion in terms of devices that help “link information in writing and help the text flow...” (pp. 47) such as pronominal referencing, pronouns, conjunctions and ellipsis. In terms of cohesion, this sample appears adequate, although there is at least one error in sentence 2 - “A business...” where 'large companies...' would be more appropriate. Mr A should apply pronominal referencing more consistently, so as to not to repeat QANTAS...QANTAS all the time. For example, “This has allowed Qantas to maintain its...” could become, 'this has allowed them to maintain their ...'.
Grammatical errors occur when Mr A states "QANTAS two main objectives is" - is should be are and "aircrafts" - should be aircraft. From experience teaching in China and Japan, Asian students often find using verb-subject agreement and plurals difficult.
With respect to grammar, I will discuss coherence, or the use of language to shape a discourse and maintain meaning accessible to the reader over a stretch of discourse (Derewianka, 2010). In Mr A's introduction, he needs to be more explicit as to how he is going to answer the question. One idea is to provide a background starting with “Marketing is the process of ...Qantas needs to establish marketing objectives to give a clear direction on what they want to acquire”, and combine
that with “Marketing objectives are...”. Then he could begin his introduction with “To achieve their marketing objectives...”
By providing a background, and a clearer introduction, Mr A could have then have introduced the marketing mix and set about explaining each point of the marketing mix with respect to Qantas and their marketing objectives (mentioned in a background), and presenting arguments as to the effectiveness of the marketing mix used by Qantas. Mr A has noted the marketing mix, signposting each paragraph beginning with a different element of the marketing mix, but he has then failed to provide explicit links between each element, and Qantas' marketing objectives. Mr A appears unable to express the technical terms in a manner that the reader would clearly understand, at times fails to clearly link ideas with with coherent arguments, therefore not actually evaluating, and ultimately not answering the question.
In the paragraph discussing pricing, Mr A writes about pricing methods, before then talking about pricing strategies, yet providing no link for the reader. Perhaps Mr A could use connectives to link the information, but is it necessary to discuss Qantas' pricing methods at all? If either of the two points do not support an argument (nor can be clearly linked), then one point is superfluous. He also writes that the strategies used achieve their goals, but does not clearly link the objectives mentioned earlier, and with no argument as to how the element of pricing achieves the goals, this sentence does not make sense, and reduces the coherence of the paper.
“Currently, these strategies achieve their goals in keeping their competitors from gaining excessive amounts of their market share and contribute to the growth of Jetstar through loss leading and price penetration”. (Appendix 1)
Using the language of Mr A, the paragraph on promotion could begin by modifying the following:
“The aim of promotion is to ..., and Qantas has used its promotional strategies to the benefit of its objectives.”
with
“The aim of promotion is to ..., and Qantas has used its promotional strategies to benefit its marketing objectives by...”
In this way, the reader is introduced to promotion, and clearly aware of what to expect in relation to the thesis
• the surface features of the text (spelling, punctuation, layout, presentation) Has the student proofread and presented the text effectively?
The syntax, or grammatical relationship in the sentence “A business such as Qantas...” could better be expressed as 'large companies such as Qantas'. “A business such as qantas” is ambiguous and could mean another airline company rather than businesses generally. For example, under product, what does “the exponential quality of its total product concept” mean, and how has this “allowed Qantas to maintain its combined domestic market share of 65%”?
Capitals:
• Loss leading
• Jetstar international (in paragraphs on pricing) [Look for others]
Spelling:
• “state of the arc”
• “ travelling agencies”
Punctuation
Mr A could use colons to introduce elements, for example: lists, examples, explanations, subtitles. For example, when Mr A refers to “Other objectives”, he could list those objectives using colons.
Strange vocabulary:
• “majorly”
• using “acquire” instead of achieve,
• “deeming its product strategies...”,
• “Qantas’ processes have been greatly affected due to recurring industrial disputes...”, surely
this statement needs to include the word 'reputation'
• “...from gaining excessive amounts of their market share...”
These errors are evidence that Mr A didn't proofread, and perhaps if sources were referenced, it would be easier to determine how original the writing in this sample is.
Literacy strategies:
The ideas for the strategies to be incorporated are taken from “A checklist for use in cycle of planning, teaching and assessment in writing (Feez, 2012, p.19).
Text strategies (looking at paragraphs, using vocabulary, and connecting ideas), Expression strategies (spelling), and to a lesser extent,
Context strategies (text type).
Part 2
An overview of a unit of work in Business Studies - preliminary
Using Ch. 12 from Chapman and Devenish (2010), goals and objectives and long term growth Read pp. 403 – 406
Recall the three main goals of most businesses, outline the relationship between goals and

objectives, and distinguish between strategic goals, tactical objectives, and operational objectives. Include what level of management determines each goal or objective (Think Pair Share).
Read through table 12.2 and talk about the differences between goals and objectives, then watch the Youtube clip 'Financial Basics' at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qndCeE6DK1c
Explain how accounting/book keeping relate to goal setting, reaching objectives and financial record keeping (Think Pair Write Share)
Read pp. 407-408
Define longer term growth and lean manufacturing, and discuss three methods a business can use to achieve a competitive advantage (TPS).
One suggestion by the Northern Territory Department of Education (NT DET, 2010, p.5) is to “explore the meaning of the word persuade through a variety of writing forms”. Students could be asked to “discuss text purpose and how successful they are at changing people’s view point or opinion” (NT DET, 2010, p.6). With activity 8.4 in Feez and Joyce (1998), a model persuasive text is provided to illustrate the different language that can be used to make an argument. Being aware of the different language that can be used to make an argument, is one way means of improving both the context and text of Mr A's writing. Having covered goals and objectives and the importance of accounting and bookkeeping (noted above), The writing activity being presented is a scaffolded activity, based around the question,
‘The main goal of a business is to maximise profits.’ Assess.
Use the following sequence of questions to brainstorm/prepare the class.

a) Define the term ‘profit’
b) Determine under what circumstances a business may be prepared to accept reduced profits
in the short term.
c) Brainstorm the goals of business
d) Rank these goals in order of importance
e) In teams of four, discuss the ranking of each goal, and your reasons for making that decision.
Your team does not need to reach a consensus.
f) As a class rank what are the 3 most important and 3 least important goals
Having used the previous activities to brainstorm,
g) Ask students to assess whether profit should be the only goal of a business, and have students write a persuasive essay on the following:
‘The main goal of a business is to maximise profits.’ Assess.
To improve Mr A's understanding of context, brainstorming, ranking ideas, and discussion amongst classmates can be used prior to developing arguments. Students need to define profit, but can also brainstorm what are the goals of an organisation. According to NSW State Literacy and Numeracy Plan (2007, p. 58), brainstorming "allows students to hear and share knowledge and ideas". The ideas gained from brainstorming, can then be further explored in groups by ranking ideas. In the case of Mr A, the ideas used by Mr A are not necessarily the problem, but having a means to focus his ideas in order to create a cohesive text. Using appendices 2 and 3 to scaffold, along with brainstorming, ranking and discussion with other teammates, Mr A can focus his ideas, and more clearly develop an approach to writing expositions.
Through the use of topic sentences, Bate and Sharpe (1996) note one can establish “a paragraph's focus by expressing its main idea”, and Derewianka (2011) points out that the beginning of the paragraph (topic sentence) can be used to link back to the thesis of the text, while also allowing for
the development of the paragraph. In Humphrey, Love, and Droga (2011, pp. 12-14), a typical exposition is provided and broken up into three parts:
• thesis,
• supporting arguments, and
• reinforcement of thesis.
They then break down the thesis and supporting argument further, as follows:
Thesis
• Position (A position statement)
• Preview (A phase that previews the arguments to come)
Suporting argument 1 (2 and 3):
• Point (Identified in a topic sentence)
• Elaboration (using an illustration or example)
Providing students a generic structure with the templates in appendices 2 and 3, Knapp and Watkins (2005) point out that “students can (then) concentrate on organising the content knowledge (developed during brainstorming and discussion) into a functional (written) structure”(p. 91). When modelling generic structures, Knapp and Watkins “point out (that) some stages are obligatory, while others are optional”, for example, the repetition of the arguments stage. In the third appendix, students can note a few examples of connectives, words that contribute to the cohesion of a text, and “provide readers with signposts indicating how the text is developing and linking stretches of text” (Derewianka, 2010, p.153). Knapp and Watkins (2005) suggest focussing student attention on connectives, first by providing a definition and then brainstorming connectives; later, students categorise the brainstormed connectives into categories. Derewianka (2010) notes that text connectives can be placed at various positions within a sentence, and time can be spent highlighting
how each type of connective is used in different stages of an argument, before having students assess the conjunctions they have used in their own persuasive writing, or in this current writing activity.
To help Mr A with both spelling (expression strategy), and using vocabulary (text strategy), Feez mentions that as teachers progress through a unit, that they should “build a list of the specialised terms, symbols and language features (that) students will need to master if they are to achieve success in (their) subject area” (Feez, 2012, p.2). Kosanovich, Reed, & Miller (2010) (citing Fang, 2006) echo this when they say teachers should raise students’ word consciousness about the specific and unique language demands of business studies (p.21) and that they should encourage students to reflect on their ability to use and understand business studies terms. Encouraging students to paraphrase can "promote word consciousness and break down the barrier between students’ everyday language and the language of the discipline (Fang, 2006; Nagy, 2007, cited by Kosanovich et al, 2010, p.21). Students could start by using a dictionary, and then paraphrasing the definition provided. By paraphrasing, students translate what they read to everyday language, and students can use their writing from business studies assignments to translate their informal writing into the language of business. Becoming comfortable between everyday language and the language of business studies helps students understand and appreciate the similarities and differences between the domains of business and life (Fang, 2006, cited by Kosanovich et al, 2010, p. 21). By building a list of specialised terms with the help of a dictionary, and paraphrasing to promote word consciousness, it is hoped Mr A can reduce the errors noted in part 1 of this assignment:
spelling errors
• “state of the arc”
• “ travelling agencies” the use of odd vocabulary
• “majorly”
• using “acquire” instead of achieve,
• “deeming its product strategies...”,
• “Qantas’ processes have been greatly affected due to recurring industrial disputes...”, surely
this statement needs to include the word 'reputation'
• “...from gaining excessive amounts of their market share...”
and from writing odd sentences like,
• “the exponential quality of its total product concept”
• “a $300 million total entertainment in-flight system”
• “to improve upon their physical evidence” (emphasis mine)
Finally, Mr A should should edit and proofread his assignment, checking his writing for spelling and punctuation, using a spellchecker or dictionary or asking another person to proofread their work, and making any necessary changes (Feez and Joyce, 1998, p. 143).
