Parents, domestic abuse, want to leave home - need help! (1 Viewer)

[mouz]

Hello all,

I didn't know where to post this so I'm posting it in a couple of the sub-forums. I am in my 20s, have always had strict parents - for the past two years I have been having problems with my family. Emotinal abuse has become a frequent part of my life (no physical, have not been physicallly beaten since about 17). Increasingly, I find my life is being restricted, I am not allowed to work, stay out past a certain time. Over the past years, it has gotten really bad! I am pretty much not allowed to do much outside the house. I know it is partially my fault for letting this happen, but what I have noticed is that over time, things just get worse. My father becomes more emotionally abusive and intimidating. I want to move out and don't know how. Many may be surprised that I am so old and have not moved out already... no one in my family has moved out ever. We don't do that in our culture. Its hard, and its extremely intimidating thinking what I may have to face if I brought up that topic.

I would like to know, are there any organisations or anything that actually help you in this process, as I know I will not be able to do this on my own, I'd fear for my safety. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[lala2]

Kids Helpline is available if you're under 25 (which I'm guessing you are from your HSC date). Is your Internet use being monitored? Otherwise you could look up some community centres in your area.

When you say you're not allowed to do much outside the home, are you still allowed to go to uni/class? (which I'm assuming is what you're doing with your time if you're not allowed to work). If you are, maybe book an appointment to see a uni counsellor in between or just before or just after class, otherwise you might have to explain why you're leaving home or arriving home later by more than an hour.

 

[mouz]

Thank you for your reply. I am under 25, and currently I do attend university. And I will be done soon from Uni, and what I am starting to fear is the time after uni when I still will not be allowed to work. my internet use is not being monitored and thanks for the counsellor idea but i just don't know how much they will be able to help.

 

[lala2]

And there's no way of persuading your parents into letting you work? I'm surprised in that case they let you go to uni at all, since you meet a wider variety of people and ideas there than you would at work (f they're worried about you being "corrupted" ideologically). Maybe you could do the whole well, I went to uni, so why not use my education? Also, have they ever sort of put in explicit words why they won't allow you to work? If it's a just because, try to find out why so that you have something to work with when persuading them.

It's a toughie, this one!

 

[Omie Jay]

im gonna take a guess and say paki or indian culture.

our kinda parents tend to be like that, especially the old school families, and it seems your dad is old school.
thankfully my parents arent like this and give me some sort of freedom, even if it is sorta limited.

make sure ur dad understands that while you are grateful for him and mum for bringing you up, you feel that its time for you to live on your own, and make him aware that the emotional bullying is actually having an effect on you, he might not know this.

strict dads can be quite intimidating, but at heart they have good intentions (unless he's a total psycho, i wouldnt know). Make him aware of how he makes you feel, and tell your parents that u believe its time for you to move out.

edit: and why wont u be allowed to work?

 

[cutemouse]

Reminds me of the Randall Piercy scandal.

 

[SAVAK]

im gonna take a guess and say paki or indian culture.

our kinda parents tend to be like that, especially the old school families, and it seems your dad is old school.
thankfully my parents arent like this and give me some sort of freedom, even if it is sorta limited.

make sure ur dad understands that while you are grateful for him and mum for bringing you up, you feel that its time for you to live on your own, and make him aware that the emotional bullying is actually having an effect on you, he might not know this.

strict dads can be quite intimidating, but at heart they have good intentions (unless he's a total psycho, i wouldnt know). Make him aware of how he makes you feel, and tell your parents that u believe its time for you to move out.

edit: and why wont u be allowed to work?

You have some issues. See a shrink

 

[mrsajmon23]

Hello all,

I didn't know where to post this so I'm posting it in a couple of the sub-forums. I am in my 20s, have always had strict parents - for the past two years I have been having problems with my family. Emotinal abuse has become a frequent part of my life (no physical, have not been physicallly beaten since about 17). Increasingly, I find my life is being restricted, I am not allowed to work, stay out past a certain time. Over the past years, it has gotten really bad! I am pretty much not allowed to do much outside the house. I know it is partially my fault for letting this happen, but what I have noticed is that over time, things just get worse. My father becomes more emotionally abusive and intimidating. I want to move out and don't know how. Many may be surprised that I am so old and have not moved out already... no one in my family has moved out ever. We don't do that in our culture. Its hard, and its extremely intimidating thinking what I may have to face if I brought up that topic.

I would like to know, are there any organisations or anything that actually help you in this process, as I know I will not be able to do this on my own, I'd fear for my safety. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Your in your 20's for fucks sake, swallow some concrete and harden the fuck up....

 

[tallkid34]

Hello all,

I didn't know where to post this so I'm posting it in a couple of the sub-forums. I am in my 20s, have always had strict parents - for the past two years I have been having problems with my family. Emotinal abuse has become a frequent part of my life (no physical, have not been physicallly beaten since about 17). Increasingly, I find my life is being restricted, I am not allowed to work, stay out past a certain time. Over the past years, it has gotten really bad! I am pretty much not allowed to do much outside the house. I know it is partially my fault for letting this happen, but what I have noticed is that over time, things just get worse. My father becomes more emotionally abusive and intimidating. I want to move out and don't know how. Many may be surprised that I am so old and have not moved out already... no one in my family has moved out ever. We don't do that in our culture. Its hard, and its extremely intimidating thinking what I may have to face if I brought up that topic.

I would like to know, are there any organisations or anything that actually help you in this process, as I know I will not be able to do this on my own, I'd fear for my safety. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Talking to your father about your problems will get you nowhere, considering he is the actual problem in itself.

Basically, you need to rebel silently.

I'm assuming because of your situation, you dont have a social life and not that many friends, if any.

Since you go to uni, start working on doing both. Make excuses for staying at uni longer and try and interact with more people than before because no friends=no support. Socialise to the point where you meet either a potential boyfriend or a friend who has the means to help you financially (i.e. you can live with them).

Since you can't work and you've got no money, you're not going anywhere hence why this step is important.

You want to rebel but you know that if you do, you'll only end up back with your parents because you don't have the means to support yourself.

Either way, you're in a tight spot. Rebel silently and the eventual consequences with your family won't be pretty.

Don't do anything and your life will never change.

If you want to rebel, do so slowly with small steps otherwise it becomes suspicious.

Regardless, think hard on how to change things.

 

[Omie Jay]

but rebelling might have disasterous consequences.

this also depends on what "culture" she is from.

 

[tallkid34]

but rebelling might have disasterous consequences.

this also depends on what "culture" she is from.

EXACTLY

But it will give her the freedom she wants in her life. No other way in my opinion unless the father has an epiphany that he's being a repressive fuckwit and changes his ways.

 

[SnowFox]

but rebelling might have disasterous consequences.

this also depends on what "culture" she is from.

Sometimes culture has no part in it, my friend is basically banned from everything apart from school all because, even though he topped majority of his classes, his marks were not high enough to shut his over zealous father up.

 

[Omie Jay]

fuck that, i wouldnt take that shit

 

[SnowFox]

fuck that, i wouldnt take that shit

I think hes scared because hes a cop.

Heck, his girlfriend is trying to find him a place to run to, but all i know is he has access to guns and the HSC is not coming fast enough.

 

[Omie Jay]

i dont care if my dad was a cop or if he was barack obama, if i topped the grade in all my subjects but dad was pissed that i didnt get 99.9% or greater, then i'll tell him i dont give a shit what he thinks, im happy.

 

[SnowFox]

i dont care if my dad was a cop or if he was barack obama, if i topped the grade in all my subjects but dad was pissed that i didnt get 99.9% or greater, then i'll tell him i dont give a shit what he thinks, im happy.

Hmm,, should tell my GF's dad that.

Cunt always expects >95% from her and she usually does, but got 60% in her 2unit Maths and scared to show him.

BTW, the her father is a dumb fuck who told her she might aswell become a checkout chick because she wanted to do TAFE first then goto Uni even though he barely passed his HSC and doesnt know how to use a proper email service.

Microsoft Outlook IS FAIL!

 

[Omie Jay]

my dad was like that too, emotional bully, he had no idea what effect he had on me, gave me shit about that, and in turn i'd feel no inclination to study.

i guess it all turned out sorta okay, but i dont really like him.
I mean, he's my dad, so i dont hate him, but i dont like the kinda person he is.

 

[mouz]

Thank you all for the replies.

lala2 - I'm not sure why he wouldn't let me work, don't communicate with him much to have a heart-to-heart about his reasoning. Persuading has not seemed to work, and I must add I'm not too skilled at persuading.

Omie_Jay - You would be right in your assumption that I'm from a Indian Paki culture, and I also happen to be Muslim.

jm01 - not familiar with the Randall Piercing case, but to me he's more like Damir Dokic.

Tallkid34 - I have held a casual position for over a year now, which he does not know about. I don't have many hours at uni and have been able to get away with having the job. At the moment I do have the means to move out but would obviously need to find a better paying job to support myself after a while. And about the friends thing, I have never discussed this with any of my friends, I almost feel embarrassed to.

 

[SnowFox]

Thank you all for the replies.

lala2 - I'm not sure why he wouldn't let me work, don't communicate with him much to have a heart-to-heart about his reasoning. Persuading has not seemed to work, and I must add I'm not too skilled at persuading.

Omie_Jay - You would be right in your assumption that I'm from a Indian Paki culture, and I also happen to be Muslim.

jm01 - not familiar with the Randall Piercing case, but to me he's more like Damir Dokic.

Tallkid34 - I have held a casual position for over a year now, which he does not know about. I don't have many hours at uni and have been able to get away with having the job. At the moment I do have the means to move out but would obviously need to find a better paying job to support myself after a while. And about the friends thing, I have never discussed this with any of my friends, I almost feel embarrassed to.

I suggest you do talk to a freind. People shouldnt be putting up with this kind of crap in our day and age, especially when multiculturism is a huge thing in australia and your 20.

 

[Omie Jay]

yea well im of paki background too, and happen to be muslim too, i know that our families can be like this, thankfully mine isnt.

so... whats the plan then? Let me have a guess... your a female, parents dont want you to work (despite you getting a degree :/ ) and dont want you moving out.
I might be completely wrong and overreacting, but if ur dad is THAT old school that he doesnt want you doing that stuff simply becaues ur a female, then something needs to be done before ur dad does something, like marry u off to someone. I know it seems very weird/strict/odd, but its happened, i know of instances in my family where its happened, and i absolutely hate the parents who did this.

i reckon you should try to make peace with ur dad, maybe get ur mum on ur side, but if thats not possible then i dunno. I know my dad always plays the "im ur father and i provide everything for you" card, and ur dad will most likely do the same.

some questions: what kinda stuff do u wanna do that ur parents wont allow, why do you fear for your safety, why is it partially your fault for letting 'this' happen, why arent u allowed to work (ask ur dad and get a definitive answer, if u can, im sure u'd wanna know too).

this is probably quite upfront, so u dont have to answer if u dont want.