Relationships with parents -- I just felt I should share something (1 Viewer)

[roadrage75]

I just read some previous posts….. and I was a bit upset. For those of you who are depressed regarding your relationships with your parents, I can understand. For those of you who think your parents hate you, or vice-versa, I can understand that too.... but be sure, that's all i can say, and I know this might sound stereotypical, but it is true --- anger, frustration, depression, these can all cloud judgement. They can force you to make decisions that you later regret, to think thoughts that in years time you realise to be so very wrong...... Please, don’t be offended by what I’m about to say, I don’t know the decision in which you live/have lived, but I just want to share something in my life….which may very well be similar to yours…..

take my older sister for instance. when she was in school, she became very depressed. she locked himself in her room, and didnt talk about her worries with anyone. When my parents tried asking her questions, she ignored them.... even refusing to answer the most simplest.....

So how do you think my parents felt? Worried, apprehensive and scared for her. So what did they do? They phoned the school everday to make sure she was there, talked to her teachers, even tried to talk to her friends. But they could not help. Of course thoughts (perhaps a bit extreme) ran through their minds..... drugs, alcohol, suicide-attempts....... they found a diary. They went through it, --an attempt to try an connect with her inner feelings, so they could understand her and perhaps help her a bit.....

Whether or not there was anything seriously wrong with her, was it wrong of my parents to "invade" in her private life by reading her diary, phoning her school?? She thought they wanted to spite her. But me, in all honesty, I’d have done that if I were her parents. That's what parents do. They worry, (sure, maybe too apprehensively). But that's love.

And then there's my older brother.... A more stereotypical story. Being parents, they only wanted that he do well in school. So they pushed him. Okay, yes, they pressured him heaps, overloaded him with work, yes often criticised him and his progress. He sought compliments. But they didn’t give many. And this led to him thinking they were ashamed of him, they hated him. But just because their behaviour was rather insensitive, does not make this true. Sure, the better parent would let their child loose, let him make their own decisions, compliment them....but not all parents are the best-- (and in fact this could have well been because of my mother's childhood, where her parents used to always compliment her older sister, and she developed a personality of arrognace and over selfconfidence). But anyway.... A parent's love for their child, may comes out in actions which could, in the child's opinion, seem to suggest hatred and even shame..... they may even take it out on each-other..... but that doesnt mean they hate you. I was like the middle-man. My brother used to confide in me -- always saying "they hate me, they hate me....what's the point in me staying here anymore". And my parents always confided me too saying "does he hate us? we only want what's best for him. Are we mean/horrible/cruel/failures as parents?" and what could I say?

So I guess I'm saying is, I think one must look beyond theirr parents actions before they judge them. Just think about it, try to imagine yourself as a parent--i know that can be difficult -- try to appreciate what they might be, in fact, trying (but failing) to do. I'm not trying to sound like a know-all. I hope no-one took offense to what I said, and if you have, I'm sorry. But I just felt I should share something with you.

 

[itsme1]

I think we all have our worries.
Parents/kids/teachers, we should all try and be more tolerant of each other.

 

[Malazn Pleasure]

Thanks for sharing your insightful thoughts

 

[Lizakith]

I think people sometimes forget their parents are human. They don't always know best and they make mistakes too (yeah, cliche, I know)

I'm guilty of this as well. As I've gotten older and my mother has started treating me as an adult, I'm sometimes caught off balance by things she does or says which remind me that she's not perfect. Eg: She sometimes exaggerates stories upon retelling them, she gets insecure about things like her looks...basically she's alot like me except better.

 

[jumb]

I just read some previous posts….. and I was a bit upset. For those of you who are depressed regarding your relationships with your parents, I can understand. For those of you who think your parents hate you, or vice-versa, I can understand that too.... but be sure, that's all i can say, and I know this might sound stereotypical, but it is true --- anger, frustration, depression, these can all cloud judgement. They can force you to make decisions that you later regret, to think thoughts that in years time you realise to be so very wrong...... Please, don’t be offended by what I’m about to say, I don’t know the decision in which you live/have lived, but I just want to share something in my life….which may very well be similar to yours…..

take my older sister for instance. when she was in school, she became very depressed. she locked himself in her room, and didnt talk about her worries with anyone. When my parents tried asking her questions, she ignored them.... even refusing to answer the most simplest.....

So how do you think my parents felt? Worried, apprehensive and scared for her. So what did they do? They phoned the school everday to make sure she was there, talked to her teachers, even tried to talk to her friends. But they could not help. Of course thoughts (perhaps a bit extreme) ran through their minds..... drugs, alcohol, suicide-attempts....... they found a diary. They went through it, --an attempt to try an connect with her inner feelings, so they could understand her and perhaps help her a bit.....

Whether or not there was anything seriously wrong with her, was it wrong of my parents to "invade" in her private life by reading her diary, phoning her school?? She thought they wanted to spite her. But me, in all honesty, I’d have done that if I were her parents. That's what parents do. They worry, (sure, maybe too apprehensively). But that's love.

And then there's my older brother.... A more stereotypical story. Being parents, they only wanted that he do well in school. So they pushed him. Okay, yes, they pressured him heaps, overloaded him with work, yes often criticised him and his progress. He sought compliments. But they didn’t give many. And this led to him thinking they were ashamed of him, they hated him. But just because their behaviour was rather insensitive, does not make this true. Sure, the better parent would let their child loose, let him make their own decisions, compliment them....but not all parents are the best-- (and in fact this could have well been because of my mother's childhood, where her parents used to always compliment her older sister, and she developed a personality of arrognace and over selfconfidence). But anyway.... A parent's love for their child, may comes out in actions which could, in the child's opinion, seem to suggest hatred and even shame..... they may even take it out on each-other..... but that doesnt mean they hate you. I was like the middle-man. My brother used to confide in me -- always saying "they hate me, they hate me....what's the point in me staying here anymore". And my parents always confided me too saying "does he hate us? we only want what's best for him. Are we mean/horrible/cruel/failures as parents?" and what could I say?

So I guess I'm saying is, I think one must look beyond theirr parents actions before they judge them. Just think about it, try to imagine yourself as a parent--i know that can be difficult -- try to appreciate what they might be, in fact, trying (but failing) to do. I'm not trying to sound like a know-all. I hope no-one took offense to what I said, and if you have, I'm sorry. But I just felt I should share something with you.

You're basically telling teenagers to be good and not rebel against their parents? I think you're right, but nothing you can say will change the way things are.

 

[Tulipa]

After having the worst relationship with my parents for a few years while I was being the idiotic rebelling teenager, we've actually got a great relationship now.

Without the crap me being an idiot part, I don't think the situation would be as good as it is now.

So I think it's a necessary part of being a teenager to be an idiot

 

[quik.]

Does anyone think there is the odd case where child and parent are simply too "different" / clash too often?

I can live with my mum, but we don't see eye to eye majority of the time. I'm not saying I'd count as one of the above cases, but yeah no love will be lost when I move out.

 

[Tulipa]

Does anyone think there is the odd case where child and parent are simply too "different" / clash too often?

I can live with my mum, but we don't see eye to eye majority of the time. I'm not saying I'd count as one of the above cases, but yeah no love will be lost when I move out.

Yeah, I've known people who are like that.

You don't hate each other but you're not best buddies, it happens.

 

[201055]

I just read some previous posts….. and I was a bit upset. For those of you who are depressed regarding your relationships with your parents, I can understand. For those of you who think your parents hate you, or vice-versa, I can understand that too.... but be sure, that's all i can say, and I know this might sound stereotypical, but it is true --- anger, frustration, depression, these can all cloud judgement. They can force you to make decisions that you later regret, to think thoughts that in years time you realise to be so very wrong...... Please, don’t be offended by what I’m about to say, I don’t know the decision in which you live/have lived, but I just want to share something in my life….which may very well be similar to yours…



...And then there's my older brother.... A more stereotypical story. Being parents, they only wanted that he do well in school. So they pushed him. Okay, yes, they pressured him heaps, overloaded him with work, yes often criticised him and his progress. He sought compliments. But they didn’t give many. And this led to him thinking they were ashamed of him, they hated him. But just because their behaviour was rather insensitive, does not make this true. Sure, the better parent would let their child loose, let him make their own decisions, compliment them....but not all parents are the best-- (and in fact this could have well been because of my mother's childhood, where her parents used to always compliment her older sister, and she developed a personality of arrognace and over selfconfidence). But anyway.... A parent's love for their child, may comes out in actions which could, in the child's opinion, seem to suggest hatred and even shame..... they may even take it out on each-other..... but that doesnt mean they hate you. I was like the middle-man. My brother used to confide in me -- always saying "they hate me, they hate me....what's the point in me staying here anymore". And my parents always confided me too saying "does he hate us? we only want what's best for him. Are we mean/horrible/cruel/failures as parents?" and what could I say?

So I guess I'm saying is, I think one must look beyond theirr parents actions before they judge them. Just think about it, try to imagine yourself as a parent--i know that can be difficult -- try to appreciate what they might be, in fact, trying (but failing) to do. I'm not trying to sound like a know-all. I hope no-one took offense to what I said, and if you have, I'm sorry. But I just felt I should share something with you.

Mmm describes me pretty well. I felt a shit-load of pressure from my parents, especially during the HSC! But having been at the end of the tunnel, i've realised (and i hope others too) that my parents aren't really out to make my life more miserable, and the open happiness they expressed when I suceeded in the end (in my case, getting into uni- there were doubts there) made me realise what a self-pitiful pig i was.

Its hard to empathise when you feel the whole world is watching you to fail or suceed, and as we are all well aware, parents, some more than others, just don't want to let go while we, as budding adults-to-be, yearn for independance. But cherish them closely- they've helped me through the darkest times. Thats my two cents worth :wave:

 

[Serius]

your argument doesn't hold water. It sounds like they are bad parents. They pressure him, no compliments shit the guy thinks his own parents hates him and wants to leave home. Are they fucking blind? yes they are failures as parents, emotional support is just as important as everything else. Not to mention the fact that your parents overload you with complicated emotional shit like that, which dr Phil says not to do.

My parents are...complicated. I dont think they hate me, its a bit worse than that though because alot of the time i feel they are indifferent to me. Oh i am sure they love me in some sort of detached "he is my son" sort of way but we are completely different in our interests and personalities. I dont even get it, i am a great kid, i dont do drugs, did well in school, played some sport, good attitude, never been in trouble with the police and i got into uni. Considering how their friend's kids have done you would be thinking they would be proud of me, bragging to their friends about what i do.

Growing up i did everything by myself, school work, outside activities etc because they never really took an interest in anything i liked. Ive never really been complimented by them or praised so it makes me think like nothing i can do will make them like me. When i was young they tried to push me to do music because thats what they liked, i hated it, never ever showed any interest in playing an instrument and i still dont really like the idea[ i have fun playing guitar hero though go figure].

For a long time i did things that i thought would make them proud of me with the intent of getting some sort of affection. I picked up baseball in the hope that they would come to my games and cheer me on and i would feel good about that, they came to a few but after that interest dwindled. I did the same thing with soccer, same deal except my brother then picked it up so then they had an excuse to not go to my games because they were watching his.
Good school marks? a grunt of recognition if i did well, but usually they didnt give a shit enough to look at the report card. More like if i forced it in their hands they pretended to look at it and commented on how well i did. I used to try hard in school to please them.
That stopped quite a few years ago. It has made me very emotionally independent, also cynical in a way. Sometimes i like getting compliments [like a normal person] and glow inside about it, other times i feel awkward and suspicious.

I talk to them sometimes but theres so many differences its like talking to some random person off the street. My conversations with my mother usually consist of " so how was work?" my dad and me dont get along, but i usually ask him the same thing otherwise he screams at me and kicks me out of the house for being rude and ignoring him [paranoid that one is].

I could have it a lot lot worse, my parents could be physically abusive[ i havent been smacked for like 10 years lol] or [god forbid] sexually, but sometimes i think emotionally abusive can be just as bad. Atleast i have a place to stay as well and i get taken care of reasonably well [once again the "hes my son" obligation coming in]

they have never really been strict or anything, but thats not because they are cool parents, more because they dont really give a shit what i am up to or what time i come home. I swear, if i died whilst out it would take them like 3 days to notice i was missing, or more likely to care that i was missing.


So basically my point is, your parents dont have to be drug addicted violent people to still be bad parents. Theres no way in hell i would rate my parents anything above a 2 star when it comes to emotional support and being there for me, but on the outside they look like perfectly good parents who have raised a bunch of good kids.

 

[Redwan]

My parents just are wayy to overprotective but are slowly getting better

 

[munchybuddy]

...... Please, don’t be offended by what I’m about to say, I don’t know the decision in which you live/have lived,

Dont you mean position

 

[absolutlaura]

After having the worst relationship with my parents for a few years while I was being the idiotic rebelling teenager, we've actually got a great relationship now.

Without the crap me being an idiot part, I don't think the situation would be as good as it is now.

So I think it's a necessary part of being a teenager to be an idiot

Agreed. My mum and I are closer than ever, all because of the fact that I was an absolute self-centered moron for two years.