asqy, FYI:
...To some extent, you are right (in your assumptions about me). i was raised in a comfortable christian home, went to small christian school, and was overall pretty comfortable in my beliefs, that is, up until about two or three years ago...
you know what? it's taken me at least two or three years of confusion and ups-and-downs to get where i am today - re: faith.
Because internally, i was deceived. I thought the church was only interested in gaining more members so they could make more money. I didn't trust pastors or any clergy. I didn't trust God because i thought he just wanted to use me and manipulate me. i thought that all Christians were soppy, weak-kneed imbeciles - mindless sheep - who needed to lean on their divine "crutch", or else they wouldn't make it in the "real" world. I particularly despised happy christians who seemed to have it all together.
Basically, i went thru on and off periods. At one end of the extreme, I was sincerely seeking a genuine understanding and knowledge of God. At the other end, i thought both God, the Bible, and religion were a complete load. Because i was so confused, I wrote dark poems and diary entries that were riddled with obscene language and blasphemies. I had nightmares about demons, could sense them in my room at night, and thought i was losing my mind. I repeatedly asked God to kill me, and threatened that I'd do it myself if He didn't do it first. Eventually i didn't see a point in living because i was controlled by skepticism, doubt and fear. Fear of surrendering to the unknown...
So you see... i have questioned my beliefs. Through all the stuff that happened, they were still there at the end, only stronger and clearer than ever. God was consistently good to me- He was the one stable point in all that confusion, while i was completely irrational and blinded to the truth.
Once i came to my senses, i realised that i had to at least give God a go. Being at the bottom of the pit, it's not like i had anything to lose, and i figured that perhaps things could get better... there was always a little hope for something better...
so i decided to take a risk... and believe! Truly believe, this time.
yet i wasn't even capable of that!! so i prayed the prayer of the dude in Mark ch.9: "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!"
And He did! Things improved significantly from there. I began to finally accept that, although i didn't have all the answers, it didn't really matter. I figured that, in time, the answers would come. So, somewhat reluctantly, i chose to place everything into God's hands.
Just over four months ago, i was baptised. That was a really amazing and uplifting spiritual experience. But even just before then, i wasn't completely comforable in my beliefs. And still today, here at Avondale, i'm nowhere near 100% certain of some things. It's a growth process.
The thing i've learnt is, faith is about moving forward
in spite of the obstacles: "doubt sees the obstacles, faith sees the Way"
in sum: Don't look to religion, or you'll always be dissapointed.
Look to Jesus, He never disappoints!
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p.s. that's my testimony, not a sermon. i'm not trying to convert you - just wanted to let you know that i haven't always been a passive believer, as you seemed to assume...